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what i did expect, was a way of not using drugs on a daily basis. what that looked like in my mind, and what it finally turned out to be are so different, i cannot believe that i have gone through that process. i have said it before, and this morning it bears repeating, i was not a willing participant in my recovery, nor did i have the desire to stay clean, way back when. the reason i keep bringing that fact up, is that it is NECESSARY for me to remember who and what i was when i crawled on to the path of recovery, so i can revel and rejoice in where i am today. it is amazing that i had a spirit left, or had the little bit of willingness to join the members of the rooms who watch the procession of newcomers in and out of doors, as i should have been one of those.
what made me different? well it certainly was not a desire to change my life, i believed i was quite happy way back when, sure things could have been better, but at least i had my chemical oblivion to retreat to on a daily basis. it certainly was not because i thought i was desperate, i was only here to get out of legal trouble. it was not because i lacked a spiritual side, i willingly chose to ignore, dismiss and generally denigrate anyone who professed the slightest inkling of anything that smacked of superstition in my mind. all of that and more, should have marched me out of the rooms with the parade of newcomers, and yet i stayed, i kept coming back and yes i even became one those who has clean time and more importantly some recovery.
yes, i had an awakening of my comatose spirit, and it was the direct result of the work i did, okay, i know that taking credit for anything is so fVcking taboo in certain circles that i just heard a hundred set of dentures hit the table. the truth is i DID do the work. the POWER that fuels my recovery did not work the steps for me, the member of the fellowship did not do that work for me either. I DID IT, and i am taking credit for that right here and right now. i started and fostered the process of recovery, that allowed my spirit to rise from the near dead and started the sort of feedback cycle that kept me doing the work, following the suggestions and most importantly having the desire to work a program of active recovery today. i was given the tools, the direction and the encouragement to do the work, but it was me that did it, so I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY RECOVERY.
of course, the implications of that last statement are far greater than i once realized. i am also therefore responsible for the fostering of my addict within. when i choose to act in a manner that is opposed to the spiritual principles i espouse, that part of me grows a bit stronger and asserts itself that much more. of course, being the twisted spin-meister that i am, i can then BLAME addiction for how i am feeling, and ACT OUT because only then will i feel better. and that feedback cycle starts anew.
ain't life grand, i am either walking the path or spinning down and not too much in between. yes i know i speak about there not being any black and white, and the word i used was there are not many black and white things in the real world. well either you smoke or you do not. my take on this recovery gig, is that there are three states that mutually exclusive: active recovery, with all the gifts of a spiritual awakening; abstinence, with the none of the gifts, but the accumulation of key tags; and active addiction, with all the gifts that brings. my choice today is active recovery, right here and right now, so off to the streets and into this day to see what i can get done. BTW, i am grateful for all those who provided what i needed even when i was in the wrong place, thanks to them, i am here today and working on an ongoing spiritual awakening.

∞ DT ∞