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that a spiritual void existed in my soul. truthfully, i did not think anything was missing in me, that i was complete, a whole finished product, that just had a minor legal problem. i did not want anything of a spiritual nature, in fact the whole idea of mystical spiritual mumbo-jumbo, was abhorrent to me, and so i sat, sulking and sullen, trying to figure about what the fVck i needed to do.
looking at it now, many thousands of days later, i wonder how i could have been so obtuse. the answer besides not using for today, had to come in a different form, than the rational, cold and calculating world i had grown accustomed to. do not get me wrong, i still look for a rational, scientific answer whenever that mat be appropriate, and i hardly expect manna from heaven top rain down upon me. for the first time, i could actually read an editorial from quite a different view point, and while i did not agree with the point, the ideas presented within were interesting. the writer's religiously jingoistic language, was the only thing that kept me from agreeing with him, and in the past would have been enough for me to dismiss the whole, rather than gleaning the pearls of wisdom within the writing. my path to where i am, has become one of selectivity as well. nearly all of my peers, use the term “GOD” with impunity, and at times i find myself envying them and their ease of speaking of their spirituality in such a commonly accepted language. i am however, coming to realize that no matter the direction of my current spiritual awakening, i did have a void that needed to be filled, and that void was something that existed for quite some time. i filled it with what i thought was reasoned rationality, and when that failed, a dip into the medicine cabinet or co-dependent behaviors did the trick, on a very temporary basis. even in my recovery journey, after i ascribed to the notion that just for today, no matter what, the void was still present and i lacked a framework upon which to see a much better solution.
i am coming to see that “signs,” “ mysteries,“ and “miracles” are not what i am looking for, and those who find comfort in those notions are not inferior nor superstitious, it just fits withing the spiritual framework they themselves are building. no one told me, that when i started this journey, i would have to suspend critical and rational investigation, but i took what i thought was their message and believed that i had to. the problem was not with the fellowship, or my peers, it was me, and once i let go of having to conform to the norm, i am free to be a part of that fellowship, with or without the structure that is presented to my peers and associates.
today, i need not pretend to be a spiritual giant, or a recovery guru. i do not need to get all butt hurt when someone calls me out on my defects of character or when a sponsee chooses a path outside of my suggestions. today, i can let that go, and allow others to see me as i am. just another member of the recovery herd, doing his best to find a manner of living that fulfills, and nourishes me.
my journey into a different path is interesting, and my HOPE is, like my sponsor, i can learn to accept what i have, while different from my peers, needs to be expressed and cherished, because it is what i am, and what i am becoming.
that void, i so heatedly denied? well it has shrunken to a manageable size, and as i awaken to the new realities of how to communicate with the POWER that fuels my recovery and the fact that the addict is me, i will find less and less the need to fill that void with outside stuff. life has been interesting over the past five days. i have learned exactly how powerless i am, and in the end, i had to buy a brand new fridge, just because like all things, it too gets old and breaks down. entropy is alive and well, on a physical level, and the laws of thermodynamics insist that no matter how much energy i put into a system, eventually chaos will reign. my job is to accept that as a rule of living and be well with the final outcomes, whether or not i like them or not.

∞ DT ∞