Blog entry for:

...that a spiritual void existed in my soul. nor did i believe a whole lot of things, i did believe that i knew what was right and used my entire skill set to manipulate outcomes. so what does this have to do with anything? well i received the official notice of martyrdom from the saint of the fellowship this morning. it probably was sent yesterday, and these days i am slow to ascribe motives to the behavior of others, if i was the one who sent it, i know exactly what its purpose was, and choosing those very words for the effect it would have on others would be my intent. as i am trying to help a sponsee understand, expecting others to behave and think in a certain manner based on what i believe is insanity in its finest, i will give the sender the benefit of the doubt, and move on to my morning.
so with the reading in mind, the most recent little side trip i have been embarked on, appears to be over. when i got the e-mail, and read its contents i was angry, for about a second, then i politely asked to be removed from the discussion of this particular topic and moved on. yes, i acted-out by publishing a bit of sarcasm, but as i am fairly certain that the object of my scorn has long ago given up on me, i do not care. after all, this is my space, to say whatever i wish to say, whenever i wish to say it, and like the petulant little brat i sometimes feel like, i do stick my tongue out more often than not. does that mean i am not having an awakening of the spirit or making progress of this path of spiritual growth? well, it could be looked at a symptom of my active addiction running wild, if it was a continuous event. or i could look at at it as a spiritual relapse that means i need to strengthen my program and talk to my sponsor. or the most likely of all, just a release of pent-up emotional energy. energy that once would have erupted into a rage, and usually all over everyone, except the object of my anger. the fact that these days a bit of sarcasm and dumping is the extent of my eruptions is a sign of healthy change. at least for this addict, and it is also a symptom, that the hole in my soul, that i did not realize i have, is being filled, one day at a time. i understand why i behaved the way i did. when i felt bad, i wanted everyone to suffer, and being the little sh!t that i am, i wanted to make sure their suffering was greater than mine. the ache i felt, but could not identify, was expressed in the equal opportunity misery, i so freely gave away. so as i sit here, pondering over the awakening of the spirit i have enjoyed over the days i have been clean, i am struck with the thought about what may happen if i allow myself to back down from my program. the world is definitely a better place with my addiction being in remission, that iota of "betterness" is a result of recovery and the journey i never knew i needed to take. there are still some consequences of my letting go process, that have yet to be realized, and those will be revealed in their own time. the benefit i get, is that as this process continues -- the spiritual awakening as well as the letting go of a relationship -- i become better equipped to handle life, i become a healthier individual and i gain the power that i have so freely given away to someone who does not even know they have it. i can untie myself from the stake, walk through the flames, and out of the lion’s den whole, because it was after all me who created it, gave it its dimensions of suffering and banished myself to it. today i am becoming free from the chains i have imposed upon myself and the result is a lightness of spirit that is far from foreign but certainly feels good. so off to the showers and into a day filled with who knows what.

∞ DT ∞