Blog entry for:

of my spirit was not what i came into recovery to achieve. my sole purpose was to avoid jail, maintain my abstinence long enough to free myself from the chains of the judicial system and get on with my life, exactly as it was before i had my legal stumbles. little did i realize that thousands of days later i would be sitting in a nice warm house, in a loving equal relationship, telling my boss that i would be working from home as the drive to work had grown far too gnarly for me to attempt. looking ahead to the day, now that i am not driving to the office, i see that i have the opportunity to arrange the day's activities to accomplish a whole new set of activities.
that is all well and good, what i heard this morning, when i was not in a debate with myself about whether or not to drive into the office, was that being woke, in any sense of the term was not a bad thing, no matter how the MAGAts want to spin it. the fact is that when i came to recovery, i really did not care what anyone else felt and was solely concerned about what they thought about me and if i was sliding in under their radar. opening my eyes to the concerns of others was just a start. i certainly did my best in those days to make my reparations for the decades of abuse the world took from me, tripping over myself to apologize for each and every single thing i did. my sense of scale was still whacked way out of proportion and i needed to get some balance in my life. it was not until i actually started to work the steps, rather than just phone them in, that i got my first clue that something was amiss and that something was how i saw the world and my place in it.
today, after a few rounds of steps, i have a much better understanding of the reality that surrounds me. i know that i am the beneficiary of systemic racism, even though my ancestors never were part of owning or using slaves in America. i know the chances of me getting shot by the police are practically nil, unless i overtly threaten them. i know that my place in the world has been boosted by a not so invisible hand that sees the color of my skin and passes me through with a friendly wave of the hand. i also know that to address this situation means to be awake to the world around me. it means not taking for granted all that i have been given and to work to elevate those who were not born into the same fast lane.
all of that is because i came to see where i really sit in the world, how i got here and where i may be going. when i consider that my needs are equal to those around me, i promote a better world to live in. when i see that i need not be self-centered to “get” what is mine, i lessen the cost of my existence. most importantly when i live a program of active recovery, all of that becomes auto-magic and i “get” to live a more connected life, which was never, ever one of my goals. just for today, i think i will seize the opportunities i have been given and just do the next right thing.

∞ DT ∞