โ when i was forced to start a journey into my recovery, โ
Posted: Mon, Feb 15, 2010 08:39:26 AM
i had no inkling that i was about to embark on a journey which would awaken my sleeping spirit. a quick editorial note: even though i am far from the most literate person on the block, the extended metaphor in the JFT reading this morning is one of those i find nauseatingly cloying and cheesy. that being said, i can move on to what i heard as a result of reading this entry this morning, once i got over the whole distasteful experience that my reaction to the reading caused.
so i have said a whole lot of nothing, but it is quite true, that i was clueless that i had a slumbering, well better put: a comatose spirit, when i was out using. much less that said spirit needed to be awakened to become part of the real world. in fact, i was so entirely oblivious to the spiritual nature of life that had i not been so tore up from the floor up when i came to the program, i would have walked way because of the spiritual nature of what i was being told. after all, if i could not quantify something, it probably did not exist. well if something could not by physical means be quantified, after all, i cannot quantify sub-atomic particles, BUT there are instruments that can. back to the original train of thought, so this whole spiritual path seemed like so much bullsh!t when i came to recovery, that if i was not forced to be here, because of consequences beyond what i was willing to face, i would have walked away shaking my head and mumbling stuff like;"superstitious peasants!"
for me, using a rousing from being brain-dead would be a better metaphor to extend, but i am after all, a bit more extreme that most. moving along that path, my probation officer would have been the doctor who detected the signs of spiritual with her spiritual function MRI, and had FAITH that at least this person might be saved from a life of existing in a persistent spiritual vegetative state. she then moved me into an environment where that spirit was nudged, cajoled, pushed and prodded until it finally came to enough to realize that perhaps there was some sort of problem here. nothing kinder or gentler here, shock therapy was what was prescribed and it was probably the only thing that could wake me up to the REAL state of my affairs. so STEP ZERO, would have been the first signs of spiritual consciousness, realizing that there was a problem here. STEP ONE, then would have been stimulating that spark into actually opening my eyes and seeing the world for the first time, and so on. not that i believe i am all that unique, it is just that today, after a bit of time clean and a few step cycles under my belt, i see who i was way back then, and see who i want to become as a result of working the steps. the journey from my spiritual near-death revival, to who i am today, shapes how i see myself and my place in the world, and i am grateful for the FAITH that my probation officer has way back when, after all, if she had just stuck me in prison, which was well within her rights to do, i am clueless as to where i would be today. it is more than likely that it would not be sitting here whining about some metaphor from a piece of literature that is part of a program that has given me a different manner of living. i am grateful for having my spirit brought back to life, and for being set on a path that i would not have willingly chosen for myself. although i am uncertain as to what tomorrow may bring, i am hopeful that i can find whatever it is i need, spiritually and materially, to handle it.
it is winter outside my door this morning, so into the dungeon i go, to progress down the path of physical fitness. i know it is a good thing, and the amazing part is, it is something i want to do today, not one of those things that i have to do. so on to the equipment of self-torture i go, grateful foor the opportunity to face another day in the here and now.
so i have said a whole lot of nothing, but it is quite true, that i was clueless that i had a slumbering, well better put: a comatose spirit, when i was out using. much less that said spirit needed to be awakened to become part of the real world. in fact, i was so entirely oblivious to the spiritual nature of life that had i not been so tore up from the floor up when i came to the program, i would have walked way because of the spiritual nature of what i was being told. after all, if i could not quantify something, it probably did not exist. well if something could not by physical means be quantified, after all, i cannot quantify sub-atomic particles, BUT there are instruments that can. back to the original train of thought, so this whole spiritual path seemed like so much bullsh!t when i came to recovery, that if i was not forced to be here, because of consequences beyond what i was willing to face, i would have walked away shaking my head and mumbling stuff like;"superstitious peasants!"
for me, using a rousing from being brain-dead would be a better metaphor to extend, but i am after all, a bit more extreme that most. moving along that path, my probation officer would have been the doctor who detected the signs of spiritual with her spiritual function MRI, and had FAITH that at least this person might be saved from a life of existing in a persistent spiritual vegetative state. she then moved me into an environment where that spirit was nudged, cajoled, pushed and prodded until it finally came to enough to realize that perhaps there was some sort of problem here. nothing kinder or gentler here, shock therapy was what was prescribed and it was probably the only thing that could wake me up to the REAL state of my affairs. so STEP ZERO, would have been the first signs of spiritual consciousness, realizing that there was a problem here. STEP ONE, then would have been stimulating that spark into actually opening my eyes and seeing the world for the first time, and so on. not that i believe i am all that unique, it is just that today, after a bit of time clean and a few step cycles under my belt, i see who i was way back then, and see who i want to become as a result of working the steps. the journey from my spiritual near-death revival, to who i am today, shapes how i see myself and my place in the world, and i am grateful for the FAITH that my probation officer has way back when, after all, if she had just stuck me in prison, which was well within her rights to do, i am clueless as to where i would be today. it is more than likely that it would not be sitting here whining about some metaphor from a piece of literature that is part of a program that has given me a different manner of living. i am grateful for having my spirit brought back to life, and for being set on a path that i would not have willingly chosen for myself. although i am uncertain as to what tomorrow may bring, i am hopeful that i can find whatever it is i need, spiritually and materially, to handle it.
it is winter outside my door this morning, so into the dungeon i go, to progress down the path of physical fitness. i know it is a good thing, and the amazing part is, it is something i want to do today, not one of those things that i have to do. so on to the equipment of self-torture i go, grateful foor the opportunity to face another day in the here and now.
∞ DT ∞