Blog entry for:

of my spirit.
yes the reading is correct, i did not come to the rooms, expecting an awakening of my spirit. in fact if one had asked me about this, once upon a time, i would have quite plainly and more than likely, quite bluntly and forcefully said, “WTF are you talking about?”
so i was going to make an editorial comment about the metaphor of the steps and physical waking, and although i mention it here, i do believe i will move on.
moving along, even though i jolted into some sort of spiritual semi-consciousness by my entry into the rooms, even the first set of steps did not really do all that much to awaken my spirit. sure they kept me clean and coming back, but they also showed me how far i had not come from the day i got clean, for real, and started applying myself to this program. i realize now, that what i put into that first set of steps was exactly what i got out of them. i did the bare minimum and what i got was a set of ever rising expectations and a much better life. i had the opportunity to return to school, i had money in my pocket, i was accumulating things, and i was out of my parent's basement as it were. what i did not have was a HIGHER POWER that i could have FAITH in, nor did i have any sense of permanence or security in my recovery. i was still just a recovery transient and my time here was almost done.
that period between leaving and finally staying, was not as trying for me, as i have made out. i got away with a lot of stuff, most of it not all that spiritual but certainly nothing that would convict me of a new crime. i got antsy, squirrelly and certainly needed some direction, as after one year and a set of steps i was quite certain i knew everything i needed to know about recovery and i would soon be leaving this life behind. ironically, it was that period of time that caused the first cosmic shift in my spirit and laid the groundwork for my journey into becoming the person i am today. i was a spiritual narcoleptic of sorts, slipping back and forth, seemingly against my will, into a state of recovery and recovered. in one of my more lucid moments i asked a man to sponsor me, in the correct fellowship and the awakening process began in earnest.
as i sit here on my fourth 12TH STEP, i am contemplating the nature of my spiritual awakenings this time around. i came into this set of steps with no doubts about being an addict, but i certainly had a few spurious definitions of what that meant for me, rolling around inside my head. my spiritual view of the program and of the world, finally honestly matches my feelings and i have been reconciled to the fact that, if i want to keep getting what i have been getting, than i have to keep coming back allow myself to awaken to the new possibilities of what i can become. as i start to look for how i will give away what i have learned, felt and experienced, as part of this journey,. i realize that the greatest awakening that has occurred over time, is that i am now present in the here and now, far more than i ever was before. that is not to say i do not slip into the past or jump into the future, i just do it much less. i am awake to the possibilities that maybe, just maybe, there is more than i am seeing in my life, and all i need to do is open myself up, stop napping and start living, just for today.

∞ DT ∞