to awaken my sleepy spirit, i will use the Twelve Steps
Posted: Wed, Feb 15, 2012 07:00:04 AM
cheesy metaphors aside, and this is one of those, there is a more than just a nugget of truth in this reading. it is amazing that i seem to go months without any newcomer even coming up to talk to me, and then BOOM i get another FNG ask me to sponsor him. in fact i seem to be in a sponsee accumulation mode lately, and i am not saying no, yet. i dunno what is going on,but i DO KNOW, that it is my job to freely give away, all that was so freely given to me. what i take that as a sign of, is that i am in a place where my spirit is awake enough to actually shine through the muck that is the oh so human addict, that is me.
being human and being an addict on top of that, does not necessarily have to be a negative thing, in fact for me, those two labels carry very little emotional baggage anymore. in fact, that sort of labeling sometimes allow me to be something or do something that goes against my values. they are quite the comfort when in explaining myself to myself i can quite honestly say that after all “i am only human and an addict to boot, WTF did you expect?”
so ye, my spirit was comatose when i got here, on life-support and i was ready to pull the plug and allow myself to slide into the abyss. in fact most days i welcomed that inevitable conclusion for people like me. one of the games i sued to play, was how much could i do, before i had to worry about who would find me and how long would it take? the questions about life the universe and everything had gone by the wayside. my intellect was quickly dumbing down, so i could hang with lowest common denominator and i absolutely had very little hope of being anything more than i was at that time, just another addict, seeking the ways and means to use more.
as comfortable and predictable as that life was, there was little indication that several thousand days later, i would be sitting in my own house, that i share with the woman i love, typing out my various random brain waves about an awakening spirit. more importantly, having a spirit to even awaken from its mind-numbing journey through active addiction. addicts like me, do not get clean, and we certainly do not stay clean for years on end, we use, we rationalize and we whine about what it is life and everyone around us, OWES US! addicts like me are not sought out for spiritual, or any guidance for that matter, save for advice on getting and using. addicts like me do not usually ever wake up to find the world around them is a place of joy and wonderment, nor do we usually ever find the happiness we seek in just one more. no addicts like me, are most often doomed to the path that i was diverted from, by events that rocked my world. today i am grateful for that series of events that landed me where i am right now. i am engaged in a process, that is not a single awakening, as the STEPS and this reading seems to imply, but actually a series of little spiritual awakenings and realizations that when taken all together have the appearance of as tectonic shift of outlook. and i guess i have to see the recent addiction of the men who desire my sponsorship, as a symptom of that continued journey towards enlightenment.
anyhow, it is time to head on down to work and see how present i can be, for additional signs of waking up to face a new day, in the spiritual sense and well as the physical one. after all if it is not practical it cannot be spiritual.
being human and being an addict on top of that, does not necessarily have to be a negative thing, in fact for me, those two labels carry very little emotional baggage anymore. in fact, that sort of labeling sometimes allow me to be something or do something that goes against my values. they are quite the comfort when in explaining myself to myself i can quite honestly say that after all “i am only human and an addict to boot, WTF did you expect?”
so ye, my spirit was comatose when i got here, on life-support and i was ready to pull the plug and allow myself to slide into the abyss. in fact most days i welcomed that inevitable conclusion for people like me. one of the games i sued to play, was how much could i do, before i had to worry about who would find me and how long would it take? the questions about life the universe and everything had gone by the wayside. my intellect was quickly dumbing down, so i could hang with lowest common denominator and i absolutely had very little hope of being anything more than i was at that time, just another addict, seeking the ways and means to use more.
as comfortable and predictable as that life was, there was little indication that several thousand days later, i would be sitting in my own house, that i share with the woman i love, typing out my various random brain waves about an awakening spirit. more importantly, having a spirit to even awaken from its mind-numbing journey through active addiction. addicts like me, do not get clean, and we certainly do not stay clean for years on end, we use, we rationalize and we whine about what it is life and everyone around us, OWES US! addicts like me are not sought out for spiritual, or any guidance for that matter, save for advice on getting and using. addicts like me do not usually ever wake up to find the world around them is a place of joy and wonderment, nor do we usually ever find the happiness we seek in just one more. no addicts like me, are most often doomed to the path that i was diverted from, by events that rocked my world. today i am grateful for that series of events that landed me where i am right now. i am engaged in a process, that is not a single awakening, as the STEPS and this reading seems to imply, but actually a series of little spiritual awakenings and realizations that when taken all together have the appearance of as tectonic shift of outlook. and i guess i have to see the recent addiction of the men who desire my sponsorship, as a symptom of that continued journey towards enlightenment.
anyhow, it is time to head on down to work and see how present i can be, for additional signs of waking up to face a new day, in the spiritual sense and well as the physical one. after all if it is not practical it cannot be spiritual.
∞ DT ∞