🌟 i do not need 🌟
Posted: Thu, Apr 23, 2026 09:27:35 AM
to fit in -- because i belong. one of the recurring themes in this little exercise is my isolation in active addiction by keeping everyone as far away from me as possible and wearing various masks and personas as i walked through my life, curating what i showed for the audience. yes, for Shakespeare was spot on when he said all the world is a stage. it is kind of ironic that the work of fiction i ma currently pounding out with AI, has the protagonist doing the exact same thing. autobiographical? maybe. fantasy? for sure. happy ending? yet to be determined! what i do know in the here and now, is that i can regret the life i did not have while i was living a lie and trying to fit in just enough, or i can put that behind me, accept that it is part of who i am today.most importantly use that experience to guide my actions in real-time, as i truly have found the place i belong. that place? the fellowship that has shown me that i can walk with my head held high, into whatever today may bring.
i am not absolutely thrilled about what i have to do over the next few days. i am traveling into winter and leaving the summer-like spring behind me. i am going to be present for my family, as i am now part of that family and not just a hanger-on. this was one of the early gifts of recovery and one for which i am so grateful. i have written before how i once adopted the poison others put in my ear about the nature of my family in Montana. at another family funeral almost twenty-nine years ago, i made a connection with my cousins. that connection has continued to grow and as my Dad's generation passes away, i feel more strongly than ever, that i NEED to be there for my family, no matter the inconvenience or expense. it is true, i could have driven and it would have been a whole lot less than flying. as it turns out, the weather up there is less than ideal for driving, so flying in, allowing my cousins to drive around and flying out, worked out for the best. the fact that they would even agree to host me, is more than amazing, given the years apart we spent. i guess recovery gave me to them as much as it gave them to me.
moving into today, or at least the right now, i have one of the men i sponsor, coming by in a few minutes. we have a standing appointment for coffee, but i need to get ready to roll on out to the big sky country. the compromise we made was for him to come to my home, have a cuppa and talk about his life since last week. i belong and i know it. he belongs,as well but is having trouble feeling that connection. my job is to listen and offer suggestions when asked, to help him find his way back to our pack. i can make the time, even though there are a few other things i would like to be doing. just as attending a funeral is not high on my “i cannot wait to do this” list, so spending thirty minutes when oi have shit to do, could also be low on that list. i CHOOSE, however, to be present in the moment, for my family, for my sponsee and for myself. it is quite true the=ta the men i sponsor help me more than they realize, especially when they are down and out.
i am not absolutely thrilled about what i have to do over the next few days. i am traveling into winter and leaving the summer-like spring behind me. i am going to be present for my family, as i am now part of that family and not just a hanger-on. this was one of the early gifts of recovery and one for which i am so grateful. i have written before how i once adopted the poison others put in my ear about the nature of my family in Montana. at another family funeral almost twenty-nine years ago, i made a connection with my cousins. that connection has continued to grow and as my Dad's generation passes away, i feel more strongly than ever, that i NEED to be there for my family, no matter the inconvenience or expense. it is true, i could have driven and it would have been a whole lot less than flying. as it turns out, the weather up there is less than ideal for driving, so flying in, allowing my cousins to drive around and flying out, worked out for the best. the fact that they would even agree to host me, is more than amazing, given the years apart we spent. i guess recovery gave me to them as much as it gave them to me.
moving into today, or at least the right now, i have one of the men i sponsor, coming by in a few minutes. we have a standing appointment for coffee, but i need to get ready to roll on out to the big sky country. the compromise we made was for him to come to my home, have a cuppa and talk about his life since last week. i belong and i know it. he belongs,as well but is having trouble feeling that connection. my job is to listen and offer suggestions when asked, to help him find his way back to our pack. i can make the time, even though there are a few other things i would like to be doing. just as attending a funeral is not high on my “i cannot wait to do this” list, so spending thirty minutes when oi have shit to do, could also be low on that list. i CHOOSE, however, to be present in the moment, for my family, for my sponsee and for myself. it is quite true the=ta the men i sponsor help me more than they realize, especially when they are down and out.
∞ DT ∞