โ desperation is what finally drives me to ask for help. โ
Posted: Wed, Jul 18, 2007 10:23:44 AM
once i have reached this state, i can turn around and start anew.
pondering my state of desperation now and then is always a study in contrasts, which i believe i have done before. so instead of rehashing the past, i will focus on my current state of desperation. i am sure what drives me today is would appear less than desperate to a newcomer, after all, i have not had the desire to use for quite some time. when i got clean, this whole gig was about not using, well actually it was about getting my ass out of the justice system, and getting my old life back. that changed to just staying clean, and once i accepted that i was powerless, and my condition seemed hopeless, i was ready to finally see how desperate i was to stay clean. that also changed, and today my desperation, while not as obvious and not as nearly overwhelming centers around learning a new way to live. integrating my life to fit recovery has not been an easy task, and it does not get any easier after a few more days clean. so just what does desperation look like today? well for one, it is the sinking feeling that i am not doing something like this whole recovery gig correctly, and as a result the whole life that has been given me will just crumble into ruins, because i will use again. i have become quite attached to this new manner of living, well mostly the gifts that have been given to me, material gifts, physical gifts, emotional gifts and spiritual gifts. i realize that gifts are a result of staying clean and doing my best to apply the spiritual principles of the program to my living situation. still there is an uncertain unease that creeps in from time to time, and i find myself dwelling on that particular feeling, blowing it way out of proportion. today just does not happen to be one of those days, today i am way stressed about getting things accomplished, meeting my commitments and getting some things done. and that is exactly what i will do -- get some of the stuff off my desk! perhaps later i will have time to dwell on my feelings and see what is really going on. or maybe not, we will just have to see!
pondering my state of desperation now and then is always a study in contrasts, which i believe i have done before. so instead of rehashing the past, i will focus on my current state of desperation. i am sure what drives me today is would appear less than desperate to a newcomer, after all, i have not had the desire to use for quite some time. when i got clean, this whole gig was about not using, well actually it was about getting my ass out of the justice system, and getting my old life back. that changed to just staying clean, and once i accepted that i was powerless, and my condition seemed hopeless, i was ready to finally see how desperate i was to stay clean. that also changed, and today my desperation, while not as obvious and not as nearly overwhelming centers around learning a new way to live. integrating my life to fit recovery has not been an easy task, and it does not get any easier after a few more days clean. so just what does desperation look like today? well for one, it is the sinking feeling that i am not doing something like this whole recovery gig correctly, and as a result the whole life that has been given me will just crumble into ruins, because i will use again. i have become quite attached to this new manner of living, well mostly the gifts that have been given to me, material gifts, physical gifts, emotional gifts and spiritual gifts. i realize that gifts are a result of staying clean and doing my best to apply the spiritual principles of the program to my living situation. still there is an uncertain unease that creeps in from time to time, and i find myself dwelling on that particular feeling, blowing it way out of proportion. today just does not happen to be one of those days, today i am way stressed about getting things accomplished, meeting my commitments and getting some things done. and that is exactly what i will do -- get some of the stuff off my desk! perhaps later i will have time to dwell on my feelings and see what is really going on. or maybe not, we will just have to see!
∞ DT ∞