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in desperation, i sought help from others. desperate, not serious, well many of you know how the song that is now trapped inside my head goes. i, however digress. basically, i denied i was ever desperate, so when i came to the program i was serious NOT desperate. in fact i spent a very long time trying disqualify myself, and that behavior pops up still to this day. i wonder what my life would be like, if i just took a little vacation form this recovery gig. no not using, i have no illusions about that would eventually take me, as i once LOVED to get high, and i am more than certain that attraction and pleasure is still a part of me, to this day. seriously, not desperately, if i actually developed a few more outside interests and let the sponsorship, meeting attendance and step work fall by the wayside, would i actually be happier, more complete and a better fit in the rest of the so-called “normal” world, as part of the other 85%?
certainly an interesting notion and one that is certainly like the argument, which came first the chicken or the egg. interesting in theory, but not very instructive or enlightening in the long run.
honestly, was i ever desperate, and what is my level of desperation today? you know i often ask myself that very question, and the way i answer most times, is that i once was, but in denial about it and today that desperation has vacated the premises and not returned. which goes to the notion of my recovery-free sojourn through life. i am glad that fellowship i call my home does not suggest going out and trying some controlled using, to see whether or not i am really an addict. for me, that question was settled a long time ago and i have yet to find any evidence that fact has changed, despite my best efforts. as i look back on those very early days of addiction, when maybe i still had a modicum of a choice, i see that even then, i was already rationalizing and justifying away my use and my behavior, to insulate myself from the realities of who and what i was. even then, i was already a lost cause, and even then, had i found the rooms, i would have done what i could do, to deny the true nature of why i am like i am. since i have seen time and again, what happens to people like me, who decide a shirt break is just what the doctor ordered, i believe i will allow myself to be desperate enough to do whatever it takes to stay clean today. which right here and right now, means, get my happy arse to work, because that too is part of living in the real world.

∞ DT ∞