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bedraggled soul, was once a very apt description of me. my wall of denial was so thick and so high, that it took eighteen months for me to get desperate enough to start to breach it. that sad story is one i have told many times in this space and when i share. it does not need to be revisited today, except as a jumping off point for what came up for me, as i attempted to sit, this morning. i say attempted, as i discovered this morning i MUST sit before i run, if i run first, i NEVER quite get to that quiet place.
all of that aside, what did come to the surface was a constant stream of “if-onlys, what-ifs and i-should-haves.” it felt as if i was on trail for all the sins of my past, especially the very few venial sins that commit today. i felt the weight of organized religion upon my shoulders and that weight was forcing everything i had ever done that was slightly less than stellar to be brought to my attention. i feel that what was going on, was a release of the shame i have accumulated over the decades of living. i come from a spiritual tradition that is all about guilt and shame. the only way to get past all of that, is to let go and accept that my past is written and no amount of fretting and fuming about is going to make it any better.
my soul is no longer the bedraggled animal it was when i got here. my life is no longer the hot mess it was when i got here. today, i have the opportunity to be something more than just another “druggie.” listening to someone from the so-called “normal” side of life, talk about the using addicts that are part of their life, certainly mad me sad and even a bit mad. having come out of that pit of despair, i have empathy for those who have yet to start that journey. i know that what i did, in the throes of active addiction may have seen insane to those who are not addicts, but at the time, it made perfect sense to me, in fact, even to this day, i understand totally what i did, why i did it. i no longer feel the need to have to explain those times nor apologize for them. i think what “popped” today, was just the final bubbles of what i have been releasing, since i did my FIFTH step a few months ago. it is a great day to be clean, as this day progresses towards evening i hope to get some of my promises kept, those i have made to myself and those i have made to others, as i no longer need to add to the “guilt and shame baggage” that i brought with me, into my recovery.

∞ DT ∞