ยน the gift of desperation has helped me become honest, open-minded, and willing ยน
Posted: Wed, Jul 18, 2012 06:45:56 AM
i am grateful for this gift because it has made my recovery possible!
well the past 24 has been a whirlwind of stuff happening and not happening, inside and out. i have an appointment with the sponse, which means i have to do a bit of step work. i changed my reservations to take off earlier next Friday. i sat around and twiddled my thumbs for hours at work. i went to a meeting and actually came out of it not mad, in fact, it was the BEST Tuesday night meeting i have attended quite a while. just the right mix of mess and message, no hostage-takers, no bumper sticker shares and some desperation.
not that i was desperate, no way, but it did take me back to the day i finally got that when i came to actually recovering ion the fellowship i call my home today, i was desperate beyond my belief. on that day, after over 13 months of hanging in the rooms, working steps and yes even sponsoring, i had finally arrived with the gift of desperation. of course, it was still another 6 months before i did anything with that gift. i still had to self-sponsor, take an ill-advised trip into VERY dangerous territory and see how insane i could really get, before i accepted the gift, and surrendered to this program of recovery. if this sounds like revisionist history, it certainly is! as i stay clean and continue the archeological dig, that is a metaphor for the recovery process for me, the stuff i once thought i knew and understood, are put into a new context, that lends an entirely different interpretation to the events that happened. sitting on this side of my latest FOURTH STEP, with what i have gleaned so far, a whole lot of what i did and who i was, has taken on a new and quite interesting twist that until i get to STEP TEN, has yet to be totally revealed.
although this is a bit of a digression, the fact is, i was desperate when i got sentenced to the rooms, but my anger, envy and self-will kept me from feeling it. it took that first set of steps, to strip away the denial and provide me the willingness to feel the desperation, and even then, i wanted to deny it. do i recommend that anyone else follows this path to what i have found? not be a long-shot! this is just the way it worked for me, and as a result, i still have the willingness today, to keep doing the stuff that has got me this far, without having to use.
yes, i have walked out of meetings so pissed that i could not talk.
yes i have lied for no reason at all.
and yes, i stalled for months on my FOURTH STEP, making one excuse after another about why i was not writing it. the truth??? i had yet to reach the point where the desperation i felt, was greater than my my wall of denial. yes even with thousands of days clean, an addict like me, can deny how desperate he is and is incapable of seeing it until it jumps up and bites him in the proverbial ass!
today, i surrender. today i get where i am, and am willing to take direction to where i am going, after all, i really am blind to what is coming round the bend.
BUT i do know this, it is time to hop in the shower, head on down to Denver and earn my daily bread. it is a great day to be clean and i am willing and yes even happy to do what it takes to foster my recovery, JUST FOR TODAY.
well the past 24 has been a whirlwind of stuff happening and not happening, inside and out. i have an appointment with the sponse, which means i have to do a bit of step work. i changed my reservations to take off earlier next Friday. i sat around and twiddled my thumbs for hours at work. i went to a meeting and actually came out of it not mad, in fact, it was the BEST Tuesday night meeting i have attended quite a while. just the right mix of mess and message, no hostage-takers, no bumper sticker shares and some desperation.
not that i was desperate, no way, but it did take me back to the day i finally got that when i came to actually recovering ion the fellowship i call my home today, i was desperate beyond my belief. on that day, after over 13 months of hanging in the rooms, working steps and yes even sponsoring, i had finally arrived with the gift of desperation. of course, it was still another 6 months before i did anything with that gift. i still had to self-sponsor, take an ill-advised trip into VERY dangerous territory and see how insane i could really get, before i accepted the gift, and surrendered to this program of recovery. if this sounds like revisionist history, it certainly is! as i stay clean and continue the archeological dig, that is a metaphor for the recovery process for me, the stuff i once thought i knew and understood, are put into a new context, that lends an entirely different interpretation to the events that happened. sitting on this side of my latest FOURTH STEP, with what i have gleaned so far, a whole lot of what i did and who i was, has taken on a new and quite interesting twist that until i get to STEP TEN, has yet to be totally revealed.
although this is a bit of a digression, the fact is, i was desperate when i got sentenced to the rooms, but my anger, envy and self-will kept me from feeling it. it took that first set of steps, to strip away the denial and provide me the willingness to feel the desperation, and even then, i wanted to deny it. do i recommend that anyone else follows this path to what i have found? not be a long-shot! this is just the way it worked for me, and as a result, i still have the willingness today, to keep doing the stuff that has got me this far, without having to use.
yes, i have walked out of meetings so pissed that i could not talk.
yes i have lied for no reason at all.
and yes, i stalled for months on my FOURTH STEP, making one excuse after another about why i was not writing it. the truth??? i had yet to reach the point where the desperation i felt, was greater than my my wall of denial. yes even with thousands of days clean, an addict like me, can deny how desperate he is and is incapable of seeing it until it jumps up and bites him in the proverbial ass!
today, i surrender. today i get where i am, and am willing to take direction to where i am going, after all, i really am blind to what is coming round the bend.
BUT i do know this, it is time to hop in the shower, head on down to Denver and earn my daily bread. it is a great day to be clean and i am willing and yes even happy to do what it takes to foster my recovery, JUST FOR TODAY.
∞ DT ∞