desparation
Posted: Sun, Jul 18, 2004 08:12:20 AM
..is the gift i needed to get clean
i have read this reading before and had dismissed it as not applying to me. this is a common behavior for me becuase sometimes i am in denial as to the true nature of what the reading happens to be saying, or it strikes far to close to home.
in this instance it is a combination of both, when i got finally got clean after months of being around the program, i told myself it was because the of the fear of prison and not out of despartion. i used to share that i was jealous of my fellows who came to the program and "get it" without the need of an outside hammer. the truth is i wanted to separate myself from the rest of you and by denying my desparation i believed i was unique and could do this until the justice system was satisfied and go on with my life.
the truly sad part of of this is that this belief persisted for so long and through so many steps. i did get out of the justice system, i stayed cleaned but i still believed that i was different. it was only recently that i came to the conclusion that this was a reservation, after all since it was the justice system that put me here and i was not truly desparate, then i was truly not an addict and when i chose too i could use successfully.
-- WHEW --
a lie that almost killed me. the only thing that has saved me and kept me clean is my obsessional acts of doing the stuff i was told to do when i first got clean, praying and meditating, working the steps, going to meetings and reading our literature. i am grateful that i stuck around long enough to expose this reservation and actually start to work on a few of the issues that i used over instaed of dealing with.
TODAY I AM TRULY GRATEFUL FOR THE PROGRAM AND A LOVING GOD WHO GAVE ME THE INSPIRATION TO START WRITING THIS BLOG.
i do not know where my recovery will take me tomorrow, but i do know that whereever it is, it will be just where i am supposed to be.
-- DT --
i have read this reading before and had dismissed it as not applying to me. this is a common behavior for me becuase sometimes i am in denial as to the true nature of what the reading happens to be saying, or it strikes far to close to home.
in this instance it is a combination of both, when i got finally got clean after months of being around the program, i told myself it was because the of the fear of prison and not out of despartion. i used to share that i was jealous of my fellows who came to the program and "get it" without the need of an outside hammer. the truth is i wanted to separate myself from the rest of you and by denying my desparation i believed i was unique and could do this until the justice system was satisfied and go on with my life.
the truly sad part of of this is that this belief persisted for so long and through so many steps. i did get out of the justice system, i stayed cleaned but i still believed that i was different. it was only recently that i came to the conclusion that this was a reservation, after all since it was the justice system that put me here and i was not truly desparate, then i was truly not an addict and when i chose too i could use successfully.
-- WHEW --
a lie that almost killed me. the only thing that has saved me and kept me clean is my obsessional acts of doing the stuff i was told to do when i first got clean, praying and meditating, working the steps, going to meetings and reading our literature. i am grateful that i stuck around long enough to expose this reservation and actually start to work on a few of the issues that i used over instaed of dealing with.
TODAY I AM TRULY GRATEFUL FOR THE PROGRAM AND A LOVING GOD WHO GAVE ME THE INSPIRATION TO START WRITING THIS BLOG.
i do not know where my recovery will take me tomorrow, but i do know that whereever it is, it will be just where i am supposed to be.
-- DT --