Blog entry for:

hunted animal seeks a safe haven...
as i sit here in a vacation house, on the Pacific Ocean, eating a bagel and wondering whether or not i am going sea-kayaking on the bay today, desperation is very far from my mind. it is hard for me to remember how desperate i was or was not. in fact, if one would have asked all those days ago, i more than likely would have said that i was not desperate at all. i just had a legal problem, not a drug problem and certainly not an addict. looking back, i can certainly accept what my sponsor once said on one my trips though the FIRST STEP, was that my denial prevented me from feeling the true extent of my despair. it is quite easy to say that once upon a time i was desperate. the stories i tell myself about those early days, have more than likely replaced the actual memories of what it was like, as i get clean and have yet another day clean, i realize that it is not the gift of desperation that i can give the men i sponsor and my still suffering peers. no what i can give them is the HOPE, that f they do what i have done, than ant desperation they may feel can be relieved. what i can give them s a safe haven from the horrors of early recovery. what i can offer them is a path out of the insanity and denial that comprises active addiction. what i cannot give them is the willingness to do what i have done. it is quite easy to say that i was not willing and yet here i sir=t many days later. it is quite another to show that regardless of the state i found myself in, i could and would be more than just another using addict.
anyhow, the sea is calling me. time to get ready to move towards the next activity of my lazy, crazy days of vacation.

∞ DT ∞