Blog entry for:

of denial does not just disappear after a minute or so clean. in fact, that wall, at least for this addict, may become less visible and less pressing than the one that kept me from admitting i was an addict. as i stay clean and live a program of recovery, certain areas of my life, seem to become off-limits, especially when it comes to seeing my part in some of the relationships in which i find myself deeply enmeshed, some of them quite old as a matter of fact. this morning, as i start my second full day in quarantine and as i return to work, i “get” that those around me, may not conform to my expectations and to become frustrated with that “fact of life,” is certainly not going to help me grow.
as i sat and listened this morning, i finally saw that my desire to live past my expectations was stronger than my denial that i had expectations of how others NEEDED to behave. i do not how many times, nor how many sponsees i have suggested that perhaps they were putting expectations on others, based on their own opinions and when those expectations were not met, they became, angry, resentful and defensive. DUH! 😲 when i take a critical look at what is frustrating me the most these days, it all revolves around this very issue, expecting others to behave in a proper manner. the traveling companion who filled me with angst, time and again as we were going about our daily activities, behaves the way they do, because they do not know any better. that is their stuff. mine is that i came to believe that perhaps a bit of selflessness and concern for those around them might magically rub off and show them a better manner in which to act. they might magically become something more than they were. guess what? they did not become part of any solution and i got ticked off, time and again. who is at fault here? i certainly know and it is not them. that same rule of thumb seems to apply to many of the other “troubling” relationships in my life, they cannot act any better, because they do not see themselves doing anything wrong, that is just who they are. i am glad i have a active program of recovery, so that i can become a better person and transform into someone who is part of a solution, instead of the root of the problem.
as i step out into the great outdoors this morning, to get my time out of the house, i am quite certain that i will be okay and those around me, may or may not be doing their best to be okay. what i think of their efforts or lack thereof, will only cause me grief and frustration, so for me, it is better to let go and go along my merry way, just for today.

∞ DT ∞