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bedraggled soul frantically clawing at something sorely needed. that image has been one that stuck with ever since the first time i read this reading, in that period between my first meeting and my clean date. part of the reason, is that i did NOT see myself in that light and so was better than the “poor soul,” described in the reading. in those final days of using, i did not feel desperate and certainly felt “better than” than the folks in the room, because i was still using and getting away with it. i had fooled my counselors in treatment, my peers int he room and my probation officer and was riding high on how cleaver and smart i was, not at all like those losers who trudged daily through their dull and boring days in abstinence.
all of that was soon to end, but that August was, at least at that time, certain proof to me that io was neither desperate nor was i any sort of addict. after all, i only used when i had the magic three day window, which always seemed to come once or twice a month. looking back at that time, through the filter of clean time and step work, i see now that arrogance and ignorance, was my attempt to disguise and obfuscate what was really going on with me. when the walls came crashing down i was totally lost and finally fir the image of that desperate soul, no matter how hard i tried to deny it. anger, rage and resentment replaced my arrogance, and it still would be quite some time before i finally too first step for reals, in the past and today, i need to focus desperation and the gift it was for me, once i allowed myself to feel it.
when this topic came up in discussions with my sponse, over the course of the years, he has always maintained that yes, i was just as desperate as described in this reading. it was just that my desperation was quieter and more subtle. today i think he was correct in that, except my desperation was just as loud, it was just drowned out by the roar of my denial and the retelling of my story, over and over again, until i believed it was real. that story? my problem was legal and had nothing whatsoever to do with addiction OR my uncontrollable NEED to use. that was just how i was, and the rest of the world just better accept it an move on. yes, i know, the irony of that story-line is overwhelming and if i had a nickel for every time i have heard since getting clean, i would be at least $0.05 richer!
once i took the FIRST STEP and learned to live it, things became clearer and easier.i am not desperate today, but i see it all around me, and i see the various ways and means my peers use to obfuscate their emptiness and desperation. arrogance, pride and ego, my favorite triumvirate of denial, runs rampant as evidenced about missing the “catharsis of meetings;” or that “my FAITH will keep me clean forever.” what i hear in those statements are the echoes of my thoughts in the summer of my discontent, “maybe this recovery crap works for those weak and feeble souls in the rooms, but i am much better than that!” today, i am quite certain i am among the weak and feeble when it comes to addiction, and have no qualms about admitting it. nor do i need to hide from it under a flurry of busy work and activity. today i can sit with that fact, be comfortable and live life, clean. today i am not that desperate soul, because today i have a way out to a life beyond active addiction. today, i need not blame others for my bad behavior, take every statement as a personal affront or hide what i am doing from those around me. if one had told me during that summer, that someday i would be living a life such as this, i would have told them they were quite insane, after all, how can one that has never tasted freedom, describe what it means to be free.
today i am free from active addiction and the desperation that is part of that package.

∞ DT ∞