โ my best efforts at control had only worn me out, hence, i became willing to surrender โ
Posted: Tue, Jul 18, 2006 07:07:08 AM
and that ability is a direct result of being desperate, at least on some level. honestly, if you would have asked me when i was getting clean if i was desperate i would have said no way, i am just here to learn how to use like regular people.
and if you would ask if i am desperate today, my first response would be of course not, silly, i have been clean far to long to be desperate any more!
well the truth is, i was desperate for another manner of living way back then, and i am still desperate. the level of desperation has been reduced, but lately i have been feeling more than a bit off. the dream details, my reactions to life’s terms, the way i handle stress, and just a mountain of little details that when looked at through the magnifying glass of the program that has given me this new life, would be seen as more than a bit of insanity, and that insanity is about to topple the wall of denial!
so the real question is, am i willing to accept the gift of desperation that is being once again given to me, surrender to the spiritual principles of this program and move forward with my step work, or just remain where i am, hold on for dear life, and see where the storm takes me?
and the answer is....
... i dunno!
so there you have it, i am okay today, actually feeling better physically than i have in quite a while, i am emotionally fairly stable and there does not seem to be any big things looming over me to be anxious about. nevertheless i am uneasy and a bit anxious so there must be something going on. perhaps today is the day i do i something about it! we will see!
and if you would ask if i am desperate today, my first response would be of course not, silly, i have been clean far to long to be desperate any more!
well the truth is, i was desperate for another manner of living way back then, and i am still desperate. the level of desperation has been reduced, but lately i have been feeling more than a bit off. the dream details, my reactions to life’s terms, the way i handle stress, and just a mountain of little details that when looked at through the magnifying glass of the program that has given me this new life, would be seen as more than a bit of insanity, and that insanity is about to topple the wall of denial!
so the real question is, am i willing to accept the gift of desperation that is being once again given to me, surrender to the spiritual principles of this program and move forward with my step work, or just remain where i am, hold on for dear life, and see where the storm takes me?
and the answer is....
... i dunno!
so there you have it, i am okay today, actually feeling better physically than i have in quite a while, i am emotionally fairly stable and there does not seem to be any big things looming over me to be anxious about. nevertheless i am uneasy and a bit anxious so there must be something going on. perhaps today is the day i do i something about it! we will see!
∞ DT ∞