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i have often said that the only reason i GOT clean was to avoid a rather unpleasant consequence of getting caught in active addiction. that is certainly true and has not changed over the course of my recovery. i have also said that i only “GOT” desperate when i was in a room with a using buddy, thousands of miles away from home with a pile of one of my most favorite things available to be partaken of, right then and there.this is one of the places in which i disagree with my sponsor, or have in the past. i say i was not desperate when i got here and was just hanging out until i could get the legal system off my back. he has often stated that he is quite sure i was desperate, it was just mush quieter than the desperation of my peers. as time rolls on, i am beginning to see that we both may be correct in our assertions.
his contention has always been my denial prevented me from “desperate,” otherwise why would i even go through the “motions” of going to meetings, working steps with a sponsor or doing any sort of service. my answer has always been, that my sponsor had given my probation officer permission to call and talk about my progress, so it was all a matter of compliance and “looking good.” as i have been “feeling” my way through my 2nd step assignment, i am getting a sense of what really happened in those first eighteen months, on a much deeper level.
yes, i was desperate to avoid the consequences of using. yes, i was being compliant and trying my bestest to look good. i was however about 50% ready to do this recovery gig, as evidenced by the rationalizations i made when i did not use that night in New Jersey. i almost had really “had enough” and was tired of being owned by my NEED to get high. yes i am finally beginning to see that my desperation was always there and even though i enjoyed the state of being high, i was tired of the consequences it brought to my life. by the time i arrived in New Jersey i had found more than a few gifts of going through the motions and staying clean. i was still self-centered, selfish and dishonest to the max, but i had some financial gifts and a few lost dreams that i could start to fulfill. life was good, as evidenced by the amount of money i could spend on that trip and how well i was starting to feel. never before had i been able to go on vacation and not worry about having enough dinero to feed myself and do anything my little heart desired. when i made the choice that night, my life turned on a dime, my desperation had finally reached over the wall of my denial, and more importantly i had crossed the 50% threshold of having the desire to stay clean. the gift of desperation from that night has kept me clean ever since.
with that in mind, i think i will let that settle across the day and see where it leads me. it is a good day to acknowledge my desperation nd also to take care of bidness, so i do not lose this work when i click the save it button.

∞ DT ∞