Blog entry for:

was NEVER, EVER an option for the man i was when i came to recovery. i believed with my whole being that doing so meant I was weak, a whiner, and a loser, allowing me to be retaliated against, humiliated, rejected, or abandoned, in any or all combinations. extreme, of course, i internalized that message from a very young age and it played very well with the lie about me being too “broken” to be seen for who and what i really was. denial and my belief structure played together very well and until i figured out how to live a program of active recovery, they were always running in the background to color the way i felt and behaved in the world around me. let me get one thing straight, this is not a matter of blaming my parents of my culture, i chose to run with these ideas al;though even when i knew how destructive they were to me, i continue to persist in allowing them to guide my life. ,the days of playing the blame game are behind me and as i grow into something i always was and leave behind what i was not, i can see clearly that i am still my own worst enemy, after all it was not my Mom who told me i was different, broken and not fit for society.
so it has been quite the day, sixteen hours ago, i was capable of letting go the events that were going to happen and find some peace and quiet in the void. the melanoma has been removed as well as more than one lymph node. i have stitches, a skin graft and still more questions. the stitches will dissolve, the packing and the dressing over the skin graft will be removed on July 30th and hopefully what happens next will be a bit clearer by that magic date. what i know now, is that i am not ready to sleep and i can ask my wife for help with caring for the wounds i cannot see. i also have let my family members and my peers in recovery know what is going on with me and will continue to do so. i have FAITH that by doing so, i may get a bit of good natured shit talk, that is part of those relationships, but i will also get all the kindness and empathy i need to survive and even thrive through my physical recovery. the pain is manageable, for right now and i can continue with my life, picking up my daily activities as i go along. if it hurts, i just will not do it. that does not preclude me from trying.
i can honestly say that if i had survived to this day in active addiction i would never had gone to the Dr to see if i had an issue with the “mole” much less had the resources to have it diagnosed and removed. if by some chance all of that had happened, the last thing i would have done is let anyone know how scared i am, how much it hurts and that i might need a hand. i am hurting. i am fucking scared. i do NOT have the desire to use and i DO have the desire to go to bed clean, tonight anyhow. life may not be great today, but i am grateful i got to choose to take care of myself, just for today.

∞ DT ∞