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takes vulnerability, stasis takes isolation! one of the things i am very obsessive about these days, is my own personal program of active recovery. i remember the pain of isolation, when i was just “phoning” it in and i am very averse to pain, most of the time, when i can avoid it. the easier softer way, therefore, is for me to look at each day as the opportunity to grow, no matter what it takes, even if that means “letting it all hang out!” the days of swallowing my feelings and pretending i was some sort of island, have long passed. that does not mean, however, that i do not draw back inside, when i feel threatened or afraid, i am not that “well” yet.😉
today, after quite the adventurous commute, i am finally calming down and can get back into the “groove” of living again. it has been over a month since i last made this particular journey and i forgot what it does to my blood pressure and serenity. sitting at my favorite desk, listening to the guy next to me, sneeze and blow his nose constantly, makes me wonder if i should just stop coming in, after all, this is not the cleanest or healthiest of buildings. this too, shall pass and i am okay with being here, at least for the next five hours or so. i am also quite sure, my legs and body will thank me for the “light” workout on the treadmill later this morning. i know that being here, is the next right thing to do, so acceptance of the situation is in my best interest.
back to the topic at hand, i was quite certain that being vulnerable would end up in disaster and it took me a very long minute before i was willing to take that risk, this being from someone who lived a life full of risk. when i got clean and stared to work a program of recovery, my “fearless self” went away and i was afraid of everything, especially what others may think of me, and how i looked in their eyes. finding the courage, and that is what it took, to open up to at least one person, showed me i would not die, if i allowed someone past my defenses. i did not open up to everyone in that instant and i was the king of clichés and bumper stickers, when i shared at every single meeting i attended. little by little, i realized that sharing the “fluff” was not helping grow and i started to share what was really going on, even if it was not pretty and most of the time it was not. i know more than one of my peers was put-off by my honesty, but i was and still am of the opinion, that sharing what is real, instead of what is not is more beneficial for me and for them. i allowed them to see me for who i am and they helped me walk through my fear of being revealed. with that in mind, i think i will post this to the inter-webs, grab a cuppa coffee and get down to the task i was hired to do, after all, that too, is the next right thing to do.

∞ DT ∞