Blog entry for:

at control, fail most of the time. this little bit of writing took several twists and turns between the time i got up form **sitting** and now. despite being nineteen days short of my eight thousandth day mark, i still think that maybe i have enough **power** to keep another clean. it hurts when someone i have been working with, decides that one may be enough and stumbles back into active addiction. i forget that not only am i powerless over addiction as it manifests in my own life, i am doubly powerless over the addiction of someone else, no matter how hard i work to deny that fact.the fact is, addicts use, even when they seem to be okay. the fact is addicts lie about how they are doing, especially when they are not doing so well. how do i know this? i am an addict and it is part of who and what i am. as sad as i get when a peer goes out, i know that it is only a feeling and all feelings do pass.
moving on to the next twist on the stack. as i surmised, the shares at last night's meeting were certainly interesting. the one that i carried with me as i pounded the pavement was the over-entitled bullsh!t that some drivers carry around with, when it comes to pedestrians crossing at intersections. what struck me, other than that peer being totally wrong about the law, was how they judged that pedestrian. as someone often found guilty of that same offense, i had to step back and ask why i would need to drop someone who interfered in my plane to drive to a location into one bucket or another. why do i need to invent a story about whether or not they are suffering from the effects of intoxication or are just a$$holes. as i pondered that notion, i realized it was the means that i could justify my anger at them, rather than realizing it was me that was in the wrong, as in the state of COLORADO, pedestrians have the right away at all corners, whether i am turning or not. did i throw a judgement about what my peer shared? well, yes i did, and it was not a kind one. it is what it is and i may not need to admit i wronged someone, because that judgement was unspoken, but out of respect for myself and my program, i need to acknowledge that i did behave in a manner contrary to my beliefs.
so am i an over-entitled, disrespectful pile of a$$holishness? why yes i am and here is the HOPE, it is not how i NEED to be anymore in my life. i have a program that provides a path to being a better person, just for today. with that in mind i think i will move on to the next right thing and not expect to get applause, accolades or any medals for doing so.

∞ DT ∞