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i was fresh out of ideas, and so became open to new ones. my insanity had finally risen higher than my wall of denial, forcing me to get honest. as i sit here this morning, i have a smoldering anger that may or may not be a resentment. desperation is what i feel, and i am powerless over the actions and behaviors of others. it is out of desperation that after i write this i will take care of what has been building up over the past fourteen months or so, inside of me. the pressure i am feeling is finally greater than the fear in action, and i can no longer deny what i am feeling, nor can i silently sit by and give my silent, tacit agreement to what i feel is wrong. quite a rationalization for taking some action, but i am that sort of person, sometimes i just need to talk around an issue before i act on it, and this forum is allowing me to vent a bit before doing what i feel is right. i am out of fresh ideas, and as a result, it is time to stand up and voice my concerns and let out what is going on inside. i am feeling today, what i felt all those days ago, when abstinence was the sole focus of my recovery. in those days, my long term goal was to relieve the pressure i was feeling from society and the justice system, and the fellowship was the only means i found that might allow me to achieve those ends. the irony of this, is that eleven years ago, i was attending meetings, having bodily excretions monitored and acting as if i had accepted that i had a problem that could be solved by the fellowship. that summer, my recovery was a farce, and i felt i was getting over on the justice system as well as the members of the fellowship. i using them a my front towards social acceptability. little did i realize that i was actually in the end phases of my active addiction.
fast forwarding to today, i am in a similar boat. my silence has been part of my active addiction, striving to obtain another sort of social acceptability, and as i sit here and contemplate my actions both in the past and in the immediate future, i see that i have been living in the classic definition of insanity, doing nothing and expecting things to change to my liking.
so i see two paths before me. the first is to do nothing and hope that things will change, or speak up and voice my concerns. taking action probably will change nothing on the outside, but it will allow me to foster some discussion and get rid of my anger, before it explodes, as it always does.
anyhow it is off to my next task of the day and into the fray i go. ciao for now!

∞ DT ∞