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the understanding i had when i was new in recovery is not the same as today.
well there is bunches of irony here and i could wax poetic on those. or i could lay out my road map of change of my understanding across time from the concept i was given in my youth to ‘SANTA’ GOD, into the my current understanding. but what struck me most this morning was the line about the lifelong process of coming to believe. for some reason, i was thinking that coming to believe was an event or at the very least a very short-lived process, that i needed to complete before, moving into the third step. i know i have this particular reading many time before, and why i still had the notion about the brevity of the coming to believe process is beyond me. i just accepted that as time progressed i would come to understand the nature of the divine and THE POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN differently. i was totally obtuse to the fact that because it is a change of belief system, it had to be part of the second step process that is ongoing in my life. honestly, i am uncomfortable with this whole concept of ongoing processes, and prefer to have things laid out as events, or at the very least a concrete time line, with milestones. and terminal boundaries. infinite concepts, i can deal with, infinite processes such as tectonic plate movement and evolution i can grasp. so why do i think recovery as a process, is any different?? because it deals with me. i can see the terminal boundaries of life. i can see the time line of my life, milestones and all. and i can even see the point at which the recovery process started and where it can end. to think that a process that is my life, such as recovery exists in a vacuum is just plain shortsighted and silly. so of course it is obvious that the changing nature of my understanding of the divine, is just a manifestation of a process that is ongoing, as long as i allow it. that process is only stymied by my lack of acceptance and my unwillingness to allow it to happen. so what i really guess i am trying to say is: that the longer i stay clean the less i seem to know, and on that cheery note it is time to go to work. HASTA LA VISTA, ALL!

∞ DT ∞