Blog entry for:

love and care. i trust that POWER is bigger than any problem have.
honestly, i do have a problem or two with any referrer to a anthropomorphic concept of a HIGHER POWER. i understand that as a human being, i have difficulty accepting the concept of infinity in all of its forms, so while i may have trouble swallowing the images of a HIGHER POWER that seem to be implied by the readings from the literature of the program that fosters my recovery, i have come to a place where i can move past those hangups.
WHEW -- what a lot of words to get the point.
which is, the only limits that the POWER that fuels my recovery may have, are those that i, in my finite wisdom and imagination, may impose. from here i could go on, railing at those who need something more, and i am coming to see that i behave that way because, i am jealous of their simpler, one might even say naive way of looking at things of the spiritual plane. jealous or not, what i am getting these days is my first real feelings of FAITH and an opening of a road before me that leads in a direction that is unknown to me. it is as one of the men i sponsor asked me last week, what would it look like to feel the pain, instead of turn it into anger?
well…
• it would mean ten years from now, i would hopefully be sitting in a meeting, sharing about another particularly troubling set of character defects instead of this one.
• it would mean that i continued to grow and when someone re-entered my life after years and years, they might be surprised by how much i have changed, instead of mortified about how i am exactly the same as i am today.
• it would mean, that i had learned to trust the POWER that fuels my recovery, implicitly to provide all that i NEED today.
• it would mean that i would not need to bully another person in recovery, with my clean-time or time in service to the fellowship, just to make my point.
• it would mean that as a man and as a person, i was trust that much closer to becoming what i have always wanted to be.
i mean seriously, today, i do not believe that i will ever have a skepticism, cynicism or rational discernment removed, BUT i do believe that they will be returned to healthy assets instead of defining defects. i am coming to believe that more is at stake here today, than just my will and my life, but i need not worry exactly what is happening, at least not right here or right now. what i do need to do, is to figure out how to get a work-out in, without aggravating an annoying near injury. what i do need to figure out is how to complete the task on my desk while preparing for my new gig. most importantly what i do not need to figure out, is what the POWER that fuels my recovery, can and cannot accomplish for me today. all i have to do, is let go and listen and feel my way through to the next right thing. which right here and right now is to go out walking and get the exercise i need, without setting myself back. everything else, will be revealed in its own time.

∞ DT ∞