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so twice in the past week i have gotten to think about the nature of my understanding about GOD, although earlier this week the just for today reading was more about prayer and my relationship with GOD, today i get to think about my understanding of my concept of GOD.
well today i do not believe in Santa God, or Magic God, or Lawyer God, or Trickster God or even vengeful GOD. some or none of those characteristics may comprise my current understanding as it has evolved from approaching God speaking latin in my youth, but none of those are even close to what my understanding is coming to be. i finally realize to the core of my spirit that the second step is not an event but a lifetime process.
intellectually, i thought i understood this, but the reality of the situation for me has been that i take my understanding and beliefs out of their nice neat container when required, flip them around, poke a bit at them, maybe take them apart and rebuild them and when i was finished, put them away for the next time. and you know every time i did this i had to find a new container cause that old understanding failed to fit anymore.
the events in my life over the past year have got me thinking about the container itself. why bother with all the time and effort of restructuring my belief system to fit my new understanding. why not allow both my understanding and the structure of my beliefs to morph as they will in response to my experiences along the path of recovery? well that implies giving up another piece of control or at least the illusion of control. truthfully that is what has been happening since the dawn of my consciousness, regardless if i thought so or not. the effort of examining and refitting is an artificial construct i added to a natural process to make me feel in control. truthfully there is a whole lot less effort in allowing things to change as they will, but that means i have to face the unknown with FAITH and HOPE, two principles inherent in the second step and two that i have the most difficulty practicing without effort. perhaps the time has come to let go of the control i think i have and see what happens. perhaps this is the last realization i need to come to before tackling my third step. and perhaps i can be happy, joyous and free, if i let whatever the God of my understanding is at this moment do the work that is needed. after all this reading reminds us that GOD is larger than any and all of my problems.
so just for right now i will let the container of my belief system collapse and let it be rebuilt by a force outside of myself, namely my ever changing, evolving understanding of GOD.
:) DT :)