Blog entry for:

it should come as no surprise to anyone who reads this little ditty with any regularity that i have grown a **concept** of GOD that is outside the general consensus of my peers. it should also not be surprising that i resisted that **concept** until resistance became too painful to bear. being obtuse to my needs is not a new thing for me, just one that always pops up when i least expect it. it is not that i am dumb or stupid, but i still have places in my internal landscape that are obscured by the remnants of my denial structure. pretending otherwise, is not a healthy solution for me.
as i often do, i see watch what my peers are doing and listen to what they are saying, for the clues i need to “see” what is going on inside me. one thing i notice is that i am often willing to humiliate myself, to get that which is being denied me.i can “crow” about how secure i am and how comfortable i am in my own skin and yet i find myself bowing down to get the validation of others, even when it is clear that validation is not coming. my journey to this spiritual path is a perfect example of that very concept. i had the belief that i was not worthy of stepping outside the norm when it comes to all things under “heaven.” dealing with what is divine and what is profane was something that was laid out in black and white for me, as i grew up. finding myself in the chaotic and confusing world of shades of grey, scared the living crap out of me and shook my foundation of who i thought i was. waking up to the fact that i am entitled to see that world in a different manner, was one of the greatest gifts of my recovery.
looking over my experience of the past twenty-four hours, i see that i still need to apply a bit of kindness towards my co-worker. i have been abrupt and curt, even when he is doing his best. i dumped on him a savage truth yesterday, and now it is time to make that truth a thing of the past. letting go of my expectations is certainly not a bad thing to do and maybe there are others in my life, deserving of hearing their savage truth. as i walk out into the “real” world this morning, i can carry with me, the notion that all that i am has yet to be revealed. all that i “was” is slowly coming to light and that the surrender i decided to make in my current incarnation of STEP THREE, is something i can start to implement as i “feel” my way into STEP FOUR, just for today.

∞ DT ∞