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step out of the way, is my way of maintaining my illusion of control. so a couple of things popped off the stack this morning as i sat. the first was something a friend and peer said during our weekly conversation, yesterday. they spoke of the “universe taking care of them and giving them what they needed.” this is not such an odd sentiment, as it seems to be one, just about all my peers express, time and again. coming from my friend, however, was something completely different, as they are apt to stumble over the whole HIGHER POWER concept and cannot bring IT into their life, without jumping through some very high hoops. the fact that they are seeing the events in their life as more than just a coincidence, is an interesting shift in perception and one that i feel as well.
the second “event” that framed what i “heard” this morning was a Tik-Tok video that was posted on Twitter from an anti-vaxxer that was pissed off that her daughter's pediatrician dropped them as a patient because she and her spouse refused to get a COVID vaccination. what i saw in that self-entitled diatribe was that it was okay for them to CHOOSE not be part of the solution, but it was not okay for her Doctor to take steps to protect their other patients, including requiring COVID vaccinations. the woman in the video was unwilling to accept that there may be consequences for her choices and that she would have to accept responsibility for them. it seemed as if she expected the world to bend to her will and the doctor was some horrible person for “abandoning” them.
the reason that resonated with me, is that i too, can fall into that same trap of expecting the world to bend to accommodate my choices and get angry and resentful when that does not happen. it is an attitude i walked into the rooms with and one that still echoes in my head, every now and again. my recovery journey has been one of hiding who i am, until the effort of doing so, became far too much. when i had my “burning bush” experience in my last ELEVENTH STEP, i was so relieved that i had finally found a direction and no longer cared how much my concept of the POWER that fuels my recovery, “looked like” that of my peers. i am certain that was the tipping point for the transformation that i am now engaged in and certainly the source of my strength to allow this process to take me where it will. i no longer envy my peers that seem to accept a HIGHER POWER into their lives, with seemingly no effort. i am also grateful to be a member of a fellowship that puts real value on finding our way to FAITH, rather than paying lip service to that notion.
as i wrap this little exercise up, i am left with the idea that whatever it took for my friend to find his way to accepting some sort of POWER greater than him, if indeed he is there, was no different than what it took for me to finds my way to that place. i am a selfish, self-centered rebel who chafes under the yoke of authority and the notion of “getting out of the way” is not part of of my DNA. what i can say, is that when i let go of my job hunt and allowed something else to take the reins, i got the job i have always wanted. if i needed any more “evidence” than that, then maybe, just maybe, i am too close-minded to participate in my own recovery journey. food for thought and certainly something i will think about as i get my miles and steps in this morning.

∞ DT ∞