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that fuels my recovery is bigger than any problem I may have. on most days. i have little or no issues using the GOD when i speak of a HIGHER POWER. in fact, i have become quite comfortable with using that term. i have yet to become comfortable adding implying that i have some sort of personal GOD at my beck and call, by using the determiner “my,” to modify the noun GOD. i may possess a concept, that is part of the belief system that has developed over time, i may even possess a belief in a particular spiritual tradition that includes GOD, but i do not own GOD or the POWER that fuels my recovery, at least not today. i know, semantic nit-picking can separate me form my peers, as i tried to do during those first eighteen months or so, of this journey. the sad fact of MY life is, that unless i can comfortably express a concept in words, i cannot “own” it. i am responsible for my recovery and can quite easily own that. i also know that my recovery is coming form a POWER greater than mew and external to everything i do, which is another concept i can quite certainly own, hence the use of the POWER that fuels my recovery, when asked about “my GOD.”
that little nit out of the way, these days i have FAITH that i will be given the opportunity to get everything i need today. as i am growing more unsure about the role of prayer in my spiritual practices, i am growing more sure about being able to let go of whatever it is, that i may need to, especially when it comes to the realm of recovery. may not be able to pray myself out of a paper bag, but i can certainly stop, shut down and “feel” my way to the next right thing. perhaps as my spiritual path evolves, these micro moments of meditation, will comfortable replace the prayers i still am clinging on to. even though i am finding less and less utility in praying, as one of my peers has said in the past: “my GOD does not have ears,” and i am starting to feel that as well. this whole notion of having to ask an omnipotent and omnipresent GOD, for this or that, is becoming sort of puzzling to me as well. after all such a GOD, should already know what i desire and if it was GOD's will for me, it should already be on its way. which brings me to looking at, what i am saying in my prayers today. yes i ask for the power to stay clean. that is certainly a given and i think i ask, because i am doing a sort of mun i FIRST STEP, each and every day. i also give thanks for receiving that power and staying clean, at the end of my day, which once again goes to acknowledging that although i am responsible for my recovery,m i cannot stay clean on my own will. for now, that seems to fit with where i am going, spiritually anyhow, and i can comfortably continue that part of my prayer practice. joining in prayer, with my peers, when we open and close the meetings? that is a bit trickier for me. there is a bit of cognitive dissonance when i am doing that. it is sort of similar to the feelings of way back when, in another fellowship they used a very specific religious prayer, that really grated on me. i see a bit of hypocrisy in participating in an act that is not part of what i believe. what keeps me here though, is that i do not totally disbelieve either. this is certainly something i feel powerless over, at least in the here and now, and perhaps, the windshield time i have today, will help me get a bit of clarity. i knoiw this though, just for today, i will continue to join with my peers and add that punctuation mark to my meeting experience.

∞ DT ∞