Some memes

are those i impose by refusing to step out of the way. just what i needed to think about today, after the week of self-will run amok, that i have had. i really hate reminders of how fVcking human and flawed i really am. i said it yesterday, and it still more than applies today, i am finally at a place where i NEED to let go of what i look like, and do what i can change what i AM! yes, it is nice to have thousands of days in a row clean. yes it is nice to have a job that pays the bills, a warm safe place to live and people that love me. yes it even nice to have the freedom, to dump whatever is on my mind today, in this particular exercise. what i fail to get, time after time, that all of that and much much more is the result of doing the next right thing. as i was incapable of seeing much less doing the next right thing for all those years in active addiction, this is an anomalous way of living, based on the sum total of my living experience. when i fall back into rage, hatred and control, that feels like the “normal” me. only when i look back at the trail of destruction i have left behind do i get who i really am, once more, an ADDICT, who by the grace of a POWER greater than him has one more day clean.
so where does all of this lead me to? well, for one, it is evidence that as much as i am balking, the FOURTH STEP work that i have been putting off, needs to be started. it also means that i need to stop and allow my intuition then my gut, then my heart to catch up with me head and evaluate if the action i am contemplating, is really the next right thing. life is certainly better clean and even better when i am actually recovering. the POWER that fuels my recovery has given me the means to thrive today, even when all i want to do is take over and bend the universe to comply with my vision of how things should go. which of course brings me to the line that seeded this particular entry, all i have to do is step out of the way, and the POWER that fuels my recovery, will continue to give me more than i can possibly imagine, whether those gifts are tangible and countable or not.
i have a couple of fires to extinguish, a meeting to go to, some work on my desk that i promised a week ago or longer, i guess i need to shower and shave and hit the dusty trail. it is a great day to be clean, and you know what, perhaps i can keep in mind what my real job is today. what may that be? why to stay out of the way of the POWER that fuels my recovery and let that vision take me where i NEED to go.

∞ DT ∞