Blog entry for:

is not the same as when i had a few months clean, nor is that understanding the same now, when i have several years clean. as i sit here this morning, about on my normal schedule, i am struck about how much my understanding has changes since the very first time i read this entry with just fourteen days clean. that time span seems like a life time ago and at the same time feels like yesterday, but anyhow this is a digression.
i do remember how resistant i was to the HIGHER POWER concept, and back then was certain that this whole recovery gig was not going to work out, because i was incapable of becoming ignorant enough to believe. the amazing part of this is, that i did not have to dumb down, all i had to do was open my mind just a bit, and accept that perhaps there was something more than i was used to admitting.
of course, this process has not been painless, and of course it has taken me quite a bit of time, to throw off the last vestiges of the HIGHER POWER concept from my youth, that repulsed me way back when, and was the major wall between me and a spiritual life. that process has left me confused and lost more than once, especially in the last iteration through the steps. i know now that what i see as a HIGHER POWER today, will probably continue to get refined over the course of time and step work, so it is better not to get too comfortable with it and instead live in the moment, comfortably secure that whatever form my spiritual path takes, there is a POWER guiding it, somehow.
yes, i the agnostic is now a believer, but not in the sense that many of my peers here in the local fellowship are. be that as it may, we are all touching something. what i feel when i touch the divine, is more than likely the same as what they feel, i just see it differently than they do. that we are all touching that POWER, regardless of how we refer to IT or see IT in our minds’ eye, is the amazing part of this fellowship. i can let go of what others see, as it really is irrelevant to me and my spiritual path. what i do get, is that the adjustments i had to make over time, to this new vision have been incredible and have created within me a sense of peace and belonging that i would have never believed possible.
so although i could go on and on, about the process and the results, i do need to get my dawg out for some exercise, and get this old dawg out there too! i am grateful today for a path to enlightenment that allows me the creative freedom to step out of a cookie-cutter sort of definition of a spiritual path and into the frightening reality of finding out what does and does not work for me. so off into this chilly morning i go secure in the warmth of a spiritual path that will provide me the means to stay clean today.

∞ DT ∞