Blog entry for:

loving act to let others love me. for my most of my active addiction, i was afraid to let others love me, in my experience that led to disappointment and heartbreak. as the years rolled by, i came to believe that i was incapable of love and in the background the lie i lived told me i was unloveable. early recovery gave me a bit of experience allowing others in, as both of my grandmothers died in the first year of clean time. my peers reached out to me and i allowed them in, barely, to provide me the comfort and strength that i needed to stay clean, but it did little to change my very rigid belief structure and i moved forward into a life where, maybe, just maybe, i was worthy of being loved. it took a very long minute for that to change.
as i stayed clean and worked a step or twelve, i moved into a state of cognitive dissonance, as those who cared for me, kept telling me i was worthy of being loved and the lie that ruled my life told me that they were lying, just waiting for me to drop my guard, so they could hammer me. inch by inch, as i saw the lie for what it was, i finally began to be okay with taking the risk to allow others in, as i learned to love my real self. it was not a smooth process and for a long time it was one step forward and two steps back. only when i dealt with my little bit of childhood drama, did it become evident to me, that yes allowing others to love me, would probably not have the same result as that incident five decades ago, and i was correct. my days of hiding in the shadow of what i was not, were over and i finally started my journey to becoming whole.
these days, the FEAR is still there, but each and every time i face it, it becomes less and less. my bout with cancer showed me that i really did have people on my side. they were willing to give me the support i needed and even wanted without conditions. i may not be finished with my journey through cancer, or to becoming whole, but just for today, i feel it is worth the risk to allow others in, to love me and morse importantly to love them back. i am okay today being part of the human race and willing to take a chance or two on those in my life who love me and whom i love.

∞ DT ∞