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i want to ask myself if i am pinning my hopes on gaining the forgiveness, being excused from my debts or receiving a get out of jail free card. so here it is my second attempt at writing this blog this morning, because i also suffer from fat finger syndrome some days! so a bit of hyperbole to drive home the point about how hope can easily become an expectation, and expectations are as the literature so succinctly puts it "premeditated resentments!"
in my experience, i have seen that stretching a concept out from its normal bounds is often the best way to drive home a point. just like little white lies sounds so innocuous, they are just as pernicious as bold face lies, and both of them are practicing dishonesty!
so planning an outcome of an amends based on the slightest hope of any result, save being able to forgive myself, is a dangerous course of action for this addict, in any sense. the gift of this particular pair of steps, at least for this addict; is not the forgiveness i have received from those people harmed, it is not the restoration of the relationships that has occurred, and it is not the debts that have been erased, it is the ability to forgive myself. that does not mean that the judge, jury and executioner that lives my head have been killed, how i wish that event had come to pass. BUT those three horseman of my personal apocalypse have been silenced for the most part. that silence is the results of a couple of synergistic processes in my recovery. learning to accept myself for being human and making mistakes in the first place and learning how to forgive myself for making mistakes. and as i feel the forgiveness from with, my NEED to be forgiven, or even approved of by others is diminished, and i get to approach steps eight and nine with a minimum of expectations as to the results. i am far from perfect at this, but this is after all a program of progress, and i am making progress towards becoming the person i was intended to be! and for this addict that is enough for today.

∞ DT ∞