Blog entry for:

when i turn my life over to the care of our Higher Power on a daily basis, i can start to avoid running on the self-will so characteristic of my active addiction.
although focusing on how others treat me is a convenient manner in which to live some days. or is it? well for one thing it does distract me from the task at hand, which is learning how to apply a spiritual principle or three in my life. i came to recovery with a very strong feeling of entitlement and of being victimized by the world in general. after all, it was never my fault that anyone ever got hurt, i was just doing the best i could to get by. so when i had to suffer the slings and arrows of the reactions of the world around me to my behavior, it was time to whine and complain about how unfair everything was and how everyone was picking on me. breaking through that wall of denial, has not been an easy task, i preferred to live life in a drug induced cocoon of eternal bliss. as long as the drugs were available, and i could withdraw into that apparently safe place, life was good.
recovery on the other hand took away that escape, and all i was left with was anger at being the victim and not getting the respect i believed that i was entitled to. there was a solution, as suggested in the reading this morning, and that solution meant that i had to look at what i was doing, the harm i was causing and my real effect on the world around me. opening my eyes to the true reality was not and still is not an easy task. even after s few days clean, i find myself longing for the days in which i could live in oblivious self-entitlement. i understand that is a reservation, and although i do my best to own up to and work through my reservations, this one is pernicious and persistent. this may be the reservation that finally kills me. if i cannot get past my sense of being entitled to something, my anger will build into rage, and eventually i will be looking down the barrel of active addiction once again. fortunately for me, i got the chance to see what this attitude does to members with time, when they choose to ignore a spiritual program. for me, the object lesson is that i do not want to become a bitter, neurotic old timer with nothing better to do than insure i get what want out of life and all those with whom i share my life. so right now i am willing to look at my part in the world around me, take a daily inventory, admit my mistakes and flaws and allow the changes that the program brings to manifest in my life. do i surrender my entire will and life? well the answer to that question will be revealed as i live through the next fourteen hours or so. the only thing i can say is that i am committed to doing my best and the results of that commitment will be revealed. i am grateful that i can make such a decision today and perhaps actually live up to it moment by moment, time will tell after all.

∞ DT ∞