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avoid running on self-will, is certainly an apt thought to start off this day. one of the ways i have been diving into the self-will pool, is attempting someone in my life to get out of their denial and ask what they might be able to do to understand how they got where they are and how they might be able to make their lot a bit better. silly me, what i mistake for a symptom of addiction ⇛ DENIAL, is actually part of the human condition, just amplified into something much worse by addiction. i hardly jumped at the opportunity to actually see where my life was when i got clean and even over the course of my recovery, it is the pain and disappointment of suddenly realizing where i am, that motivates my actual growth process and prods me into looking at what is and what could be.
… and so it goes …
this morning, i deferred going out on the streets, until after i get back from my home group meeting. it is a choice i made and one that i do not regret, at least not yet. as a result i get to sit here and write this and wonder when i am going to take the next step of putting my house in order. i have to admit, there are a few things that are bugging me and there are certainly more than a few behaviors of mine that require being looked at, specifically my passive-aggressive means of trying to manipulate someone into “seeing the light.” no matter how many times i say i have let it go, i keep finds myself up against that same wall, looking at the barrels of the execution squad, getting a bead on me and waiting for the command to fire at will. there is an action i can take and perhaps i actually will take as this day wears on. i can see that i also suffer from the delusion of everything being just peachy in my life today.
so it is time to get rolling on down the road to Boulder and be a part of the fellowship that allows me the FREEDOM to write this, make the choices i make on a daily basis and be okay in my own skin. the lie may be dead, but it still echoes in my head form time to time and the only way to kill it for good is to face it head on, through the remainder of the steps.

∞ DT ∞