Blog entry for:

of success, in recovery...
right off the bat i see nothing wrong with the notion of owning my behavior, accepting the consequences and cleaning up after myself. in fact, that whole chain of events allows me to sleep soundly and deeply most nights. i often use this exercise to point out what others did or say, and for that i apologize to anyone who may have felt abuses, slighted or disrespected by my use of their words and/or their actions. more than once i have used this as a bully pulpit, and recently i have used it more to point out my “fatal flaws” based on the actions and words of my peers, acquaintances and loved ones. is that a step up from the bully pulpit? i would think so, but maybe not. true to form what someone else said yesterday fits right in with the singularity of looking at my stuff.
twice, in two entirely different settings, i heard a peer question why someone would do something. in the first case, i kept my thoughts to myself, as it would not have been appropriate for me to comment, in the second case, it certainly was. i have, more than once, asked that same question myself and always prefaced it it with, if i was in that situation i would behave differently. why someone acts without integrity or in a duplicitous manner, is a question for the ages. the fact is, in my opinion they did. i have stopped trying to cast motives on the behavior of others. when i get reaction from someone i was not expecting, i need to look if there is anything that i might have done wrong. i want to be well-liked, seen as a trustworthy and reliable person, and at times expect that to be the case, with everyone i interact with, on a daily basis. the truth, harsh as it is, is that not everyone is going to trust me, nor is everyone going to like me. that is just the way it is. i can spin and spin, about why someone would treat me with cold courtesy, or i can ask them what is up. better yet, i can just let it go and allow my current self to be okay with that fact. sometimes, letting go and doing the next right thing, is the best policy for me.
it is quite true, that i am not any sort of a spiritual giant, and yet that does not excuse the fact, that there are some of my peers, that i just do not care for, in the slightest. they just rub me the wrong way, or are guilty, in my mind, of a litany of evils, that cannot be overlooked and forgiven. i could look for the “why” in those feelings, but choose to accept that is just the way i feel, right here and right now. the wonderful thing about feeling is, they pass. they are never permanent, and what i see as undesirable, may just become forgivable in here and now, someday. what i see as flaws in thew ways others may behave are the flaws and shortcomings that still rule me, at least on some level. wondering why someone may do something serves me ill. wondering why i may feel envy, or jealousy over seeing others act that was, serves me very well. i can pat attention to who others are reacting and look to the why in what i am doing. am i coming off as arrogant, cold and aloof, my favorite trio of traits, just to pop something off the stack. chances are, based on what i believe has been done to me, as my FEAR of getting hurt still rules the roost.
this morning as i prepare to head down for the game, i am struck by what i need to do, to demonstrate my gratitude for being given the opportunity to go down to the game. life is good, and sometimes, good things can come to pass, even when i am not looking for them. why we got invited and someone else did not, is not a question i need to ponder, it just is and i am happy about it and need not worry about what motives may or may not have been behind the invitation. chances are, it just is!

∞ DT ∞