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i can start to avoid running on the self-will so characteristic of my active addiction. as part of my latest step work assignment, i have uncovered some truths about myself and how i want to be treated, as well as how others wish to be treated. for the most part, those are practically the same. however for some of my relationships, my desires and theirs do not match, in fact they do not even come close. i believe that is a failure to communicate on my part, and as the reading suggests, it is something i am working on as part of moving forward from this journey of "uncovery."
i know for me, respect is this most important thing. the need to be respected probably comes from the lack of self-respect, so evident in my life up until recently. as i have come to respect myself, i have learned how to respect others, and for the most part my relationships with those around me are quite new and improved. the sad part for me, is that other relationships resist this new paradigm, and i wonder if trying to mold them into relationships based in mutual-respect; is self-will or the will of the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN. the answer i am getting is that is not my will run riot, it is however something that i will not be able to accomplish across the board. those relationships that are morphing as a result of my growth, are where i need to put my energy. the relationships that are frozen in stone are ones that i either need to accept just are, or walk away from. at least that is what i think i keep hearing. some of those are permanent, as i am attached by blood, and for those i will learn to accept them for what they are. some of those relationships are semi-permanent as i will have to continue interacting with those people in the present and the new future. in these relationships i will need to learn how to be respectful of the other party, expect nothing in return, treat them as a peer and not let them treat me any differently. the problem here as i see it, is that these relationships are power-based and in such relationships equality and respect is not part of the deal. most of these were formed and maintained well before i understood what was and was not acceptable or tolerable to me, so the rules were written by me before i realized that i had the ability to write the rules. the Chinese have a curse or blessing (depending on your current perspective) that goes," may you live in interesting times."
well, for me, i am certainly living in interesting times, in my spiritual program, and although some days it feels like a curse, in the long run, it will be a blessing, as i will no longer have to tolerate being anything less than i am. so off to the pavement to do my morning calorie burn.

∞ DT ∞