Blog entry for:

from having to pay attention to what i am doing, is often what i am seeking, when i focus on what others may or may not be doing. yesterday in my blog, i violated my first rule of being humble ->> do not point out specific instances where i did not act, as i am wont to do. it is true, i did not engage in a very familiar behavior and yes that is a good thing. when i choose to laser-focus in on the specifics as part of my daily inventory, that, too, is a good thing. when i choose, however, to wear it as some sort of “badge of honor,” well that “good thing,” get mucked up quite a bit and i lose. my ego is not all that fragile anymore, that i need to puff up my chest and announce to all within the range of my voice how freaking well i happen to be doing today.
moving along to the next topic that bounced around my head as i sat and listened this morning 🠊 a passage that one of my peers shared the other day about how they struggled between sanity and insanity. before i get into that, a judgement or two. this peer, is one who seems to overthink everything and has been “around” for quite some time. they can quote chapter and verse of all sorts of recovery literature and yet when life gets too something for them, they decide to use. be that as it may, that is their stuff, not mine. what their share brought for me today, is the echoes of what i see as my current form of insanity and how i too, tend to throw far too many words at an issue, rather than feeling my way through to the next right thing. when i wrote about my insanity it was about the lies i have been telling myself for the past half-century or so. after stripping off the most obvious manifestation of where i was not, i am left with the behavior of hiding what i am really feeling under a pile of nouns, adjectives, verbs, adverbs and dangling participles. i too, can quote those partciular juicy bits of what is written to bolster whatever argument i happen to be engaged in, in real time. for me, what it comes down to, is looking good, rather than being well and although this less than stellar behavior has yet to take me to a place where using seems like the next right thing to do, i am far from immune to being driven into that corner. the good part, at least for me, is that when the “doc-in-a-box” offered me pain killers yesterday, i empathically declined. i am pretty sure that my real Doctor may offer the same choice today and once again, i hope that i can say no thanks, i am managing quite well with over-the-counter medications.
before i get dragged into working, i need to get some movement in my life, as in steps around the neighborhood with the dawg. it is a good day to allow myself to be myself and show that self to all who happen to notice. it is also a great day to be okay knowing that i am what i am and what i am is an addict striving to get a bit better each day, through the program of recovery, that once upon a time i was given a life sentence to. yes that sentence saved my life and allows me the FREEDOM today to move forward, just for today.

∞ DT ∞