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seems like a great thing for me to be focused on, after all, what i see them do, provides me the perfect opportunity to see how much **better** i am. the logical conclusion, therefore is that i have nothing to put in order, because relatively speaking the chaos that is me, is not all that **bad.** i can say without any reservation that this behavior was finely honed and tuned in active addiction and is still part and parcel of who i seem to be, what was, still is.
the notion that i may still have some work to do, is one that i struggle with., on a fairly regular basis. every time i start to look at what i might need to let go of and allow to morph into something different, i stumble over adage that this is a program of “progress, not perfection.” all of a sudden, everything that i was thinking that required inspection, gets swept under the carpet and i blithely go on my way. <BOOM> just like that i am absolved and no action is required. my sponse calls that sort of behavior, spiritual camouflage and i do not disagree. binning what i find less than satisfactory under something that is supposed to help lead to self-forgiveness, is almost as egregious as ignoring the fact that i am still acting in a manner that i find in conflict with the values i live by. so what if one of the “creepiest” people i know refuse to own up to taking funds and dodging the calls to return said money, that is not really my stuff, at all. in my mind, it just “justifies” my opinion and continues to build the case that perhaps they are the fraud that i have come to believe they are. and so the circle is complete, i form an opinion, i seek evidence to back that point of view, excluding any exculpatory evidence and fall deeper into the trap off focusing on how “bad” they really are and how “good” i am, as i would never…
this morning, as i prepare to step out into this smoky and chilly October morning, perhaps i can take a clue from the reading. first off, forgive myself for being human. secondly look to my own sh!t and make sure it is not stinking up the place. finally, let go of the judgements i have already formed and give those around me the same break, that i feel that i am entitled to get. in short, impose some order on those parts of me, that thrive on the chaos i can create and allow myself the freedom to see what happens.

∞ DT ∞