Blog entry for:

okay, that sounds so fVcking selfish, but to put it any other way, glosses over the real reason i do it. when my house is in order, to the best of my ability, i hardly ever suffer from an over-sensitive ego, self-pity, jealousy, despair or shame. those feelings are among the top ten that that kept me using all those years. not having those feelings keeps the addict within at bay, at least on the obvious stuff. that part of me i call addiction, still has many other lies to tell me, and many other ways to make me use against my will. i am however, so totally powerless over that part of me, that i NEED to surrender my will and my life into the care of the POWER that keeps me clean.
in fact, keeping and setting my house in order provides so much relief for me, that it is something i have become habituated to. as awful as it may sound, doing the next right thing, and taking responsibility for doing the next wrong thing, makes me feel good. feeling good, make me want to do more of what i just did, so in a sense i have turned that part of me that never gets enough of anything, into a force for good in my life. doing the next right thing, feeds into doing the next right thing, and before you know it, the only damage i have to own today is the damage i did to myself. even that is reduced when i live in the keeping my house in order mode.
alas, i have not achieved anything close to sainthood and as a human, i do not always live in the most spiritual manner. i do have a remedy for my human nature failings as well as those of the part of me i call addiction. the daily TENTH STEP, gives me the insight to clean my house as needed, and keeps me closer to the ideal of this spiritual program. i do however have bunch of stuff to get done this morning, so for now, i will sign-off, keeping this thought in mind, WHAT WOULD A SPIRITUAL PERSON DO?

∞ DT ∞