Blog entry for:

momentary relief from having to take a look at myself.
the reading was about putting my house in order, and although i may eventually get there, what jumped out at me, and haunted me in my quiet time this morning was the line i used for my seed.
it was part of who i was, back in the day, for sure. i could tell anyone what was wrong with them, and what they needed to do, to fix themselves. even more surprising i was was actually right more times than i was wrong, just barely better than guessing the outcome of a coin toss, but not better. i learned that skill, and i am at a loss to call it anything else, over the decades that comprised active addiction, because everyone else, always had what i could not provide for myself. in another time or place, i probably would have made a fairly good patent medicine salesman.
as i move to becoming a whole and genuine person, my need to look at others, detect their foibles and vulnerabilities has greatly diminished. my ability has become a bit more acute, as now i am not hindered by the fog of my chemical romance. when i consciously exercise this, my motives are very rarely pure, and even though i may not pass along, what i think i have just found, just discovering it makes me feel better about myself. somehow, now i am a better person than them and my reward or payoff for that bit of behaviors is a temporary reprieve from low self-esteem. it is always temporary, it may last longer than the twenty minutes of getting high, but it quickly fades and once again i am left wanting.
of course, then there is the whole cycle of recriminations, self-flagellation and shame, for acting badly, that i go through as a result. dang TENTH STEP, catches me every time. this is a behavior, of which i am not proud, and it is not part of my daily repertoire. the only saving grace here, is that as part of STEPS SIX and SEVEN, i can actually recognize when i am moving in that direction and ask for the help to prevent my downward spiral into acting out, shame and acting out again to combat the shame.
so keeping my house in order these days, see i told you i might actually get here, means that i need to be present for what is going on inside of me. as i told a sponsee yesterday, addiction affects me in a physical, emotional and spiritual sense. in this case it is the emotional demesnes that i need to be vigilant about. when i feel myself sliding into a place where i am not good enough, i need to reach out to the POWER that fuels my recovery and my friends and peers, to seek the antidote. that antidote? a good reminder that i am human, and some sage advice about not taking myself so seriously, after all, if i act soon enough, nothing is fVcked.

∞ DT ∞