ฮด when i was using, i did everything i could to run things my way. ฮ
Posted: Tue, Oct 23, 2007 07:50:55 AM
i used every scheme imaginable to bring my world under control. scheming was my way of denying my powerlessness.
an interesting thought considering my actions over the past few days. i am so f*cking good at taking the inventory of others that most of the time i miss what is really going on. but anyways.....
looking at the manner in which i manipulate and distort reality to get what i want is certainly more than enough meat to chew on this morning. to be honest, this morning was really the first time i saw the pilfered line above about scheming being the denial structure that blocks me from seeing how powerless i really am. i have been seeing a whole bunch of feedback loops and denial structures lately, and it must be a function of where i am in my recovery -- at the end of my sixth step. i would love to say that i do not have a denial structure in place anymore, after all i did not walk into recovery yesterday. the sad truth is that denial is still part of my modus operandi and maintaining that denial structure is part and parcel of refusing to surrender my will and my life. sure, i say the third step prayer daily or more often, sure i always intend to surrender and pay lip service to that, but when push comes to shove, i am caught up in self will more of the time than i care to admit. YARGH! so after that wonderful news, what is this addict to do? well for one, i can look at how self-will is being manifest in my life, by adding it to my daily inventory. i can do my level best to recognize when i am focused on the outcome and doing everything i can to assure an outcome that meets my expectations. and when i discover such a situation, which without a doubt will be quite often, pull back and let events unfold as they will, living in surrender instead of the illusion of control. a definite course of action and most importantly stop talking sh*t so seriously, after all, life is brief enough without allowing myself and the world around me to spin as it will. so off to the....
an interesting thought considering my actions over the past few days. i am so f*cking good at taking the inventory of others that most of the time i miss what is really going on. but anyways.....
looking at the manner in which i manipulate and distort reality to get what i want is certainly more than enough meat to chew on this morning. to be honest, this morning was really the first time i saw the pilfered line above about scheming being the denial structure that blocks me from seeing how powerless i really am. i have been seeing a whole bunch of feedback loops and denial structures lately, and it must be a function of where i am in my recovery -- at the end of my sixth step. i would love to say that i do not have a denial structure in place anymore, after all i did not walk into recovery yesterday. the sad truth is that denial is still part of my modus operandi and maintaining that denial structure is part and parcel of refusing to surrender my will and my life. sure, i say the third step prayer daily or more often, sure i always intend to surrender and pay lip service to that, but when push comes to shove, i am caught up in self will more of the time than i care to admit. YARGH! so after that wonderful news, what is this addict to do? well for one, i can look at how self-will is being manifest in my life, by adding it to my daily inventory. i can do my level best to recognize when i am focused on the outcome and doing everything i can to assure an outcome that meets my expectations. and when i discover such a situation, which without a doubt will be quite often, pull back and let events unfold as they will, living in surrender instead of the illusion of control. a definite course of action and most importantly stop talking sh*t so seriously, after all, life is brief enough without allowing myself and the world around me to spin as it will. so off to the....
∞ DT ∞