โ as long as i could distract myself with my plans, i could put off accepting that i was out of control. โ
Posted: Mon, Oct 23, 2006 08:12:47 AM
only gradually did i realize that my life had become unmanageable and that all the conning and manipulating in the world was not going to put my life back in order.
even today, i still scheme to deny my powerlessness. the reading was spot on about distracting myself from what really is important, with the obsession with my plans and attempts to impose some sort of control and order on my life. not that i am saying that i do not need to make plans, work towards goals and do the footwork to realize my dreams. no not by any stretch of the imagination, what i am saying is that once i make a plan, i let the outcome go. i surrender control to the forces outside of my tight grip, and accept that perhaps is not the day that all my plans come out exactly as i expect, that today is not the day that all my goals in life are met, and that today is not the day i realize all of my wildest dreams. that is the crux of my problem, separating out what is and is not in my control. as long as i plan to plan my plans, i am unreceptive to what is really going on inside of me, and what is going on inside of me, most of the time is a struggle between who i want to be and who i really am. so as the title suggests, perhaps this morning, right here and right now is a good time to reaffirm to my innermost self that i am an addict, i suffer from the disease of addict and will never be free from the grip that disease has on my life. simply put -- stop the fucking struggle, surrender and move on. yes i never wanted to be an addict, and yes i never wanted to have to live a program of this nature, but the truth is that if i want to continue to be a part of the world around me, than i need to allow the healing process to work as it will in my life and the lives of those who are around me. and the only way for me to do that is surrender, stop trying to control everything and let events run as they will. and perhaps my day will be just that much more peaceful and serene. and after all is that not what i really have been seeking since that first day i used?
even today, i still scheme to deny my powerlessness. the reading was spot on about distracting myself from what really is important, with the obsession with my plans and attempts to impose some sort of control and order on my life. not that i am saying that i do not need to make plans, work towards goals and do the footwork to realize my dreams. no not by any stretch of the imagination, what i am saying is that once i make a plan, i let the outcome go. i surrender control to the forces outside of my tight grip, and accept that perhaps is not the day that all my plans come out exactly as i expect, that today is not the day that all my goals in life are met, and that today is not the day i realize all of my wildest dreams. that is the crux of my problem, separating out what is and is not in my control. as long as i plan to plan my plans, i am unreceptive to what is really going on inside of me, and what is going on inside of me, most of the time is a struggle between who i want to be and who i really am. so as the title suggests, perhaps this morning, right here and right now is a good time to reaffirm to my innermost self that i am an addict, i suffer from the disease of addict and will never be free from the grip that disease has on my life. simply put -- stop the fucking struggle, surrender and move on. yes i never wanted to be an addict, and yes i never wanted to have to live a program of this nature, but the truth is that if i want to continue to be a part of the world around me, than i need to allow the healing process to work as it will in my life and the lives of those who are around me. and the only way for me to do that is surrender, stop trying to control everything and let events run as they will. and perhaps my day will be just that much more peaceful and serene. and after all is that not what i really have been seeking since that first day i used?
∞ DT ∞