Blog entry for:

have been and can once again be out of control, by opening my eyes to what it is i am trying to manage and manipulate. way back when i was forced to start attending meetings, as a consequence of living the life i was living, i could see how unmanageable my life was, but i was quiet sure i was not powerless. over time, i accepted that i was powerless over addiction, mine and everyone else's. as i stayed clean and actually started to work a program of recovery, i understood more and more about what it meant to be powerless, and where the little bit of personal power that i did have, could be applied. this began my attempt to use that power to make my life a whole lot more manageable, through manipulation and control. it took a very long minute to observe that the harder i attempted to do just that, the less manageable my life was and that i had just squandered my time, energy and power. once again, i was hopeless and dopeless and had to <GASP> surrender to the principles of the program that has brought me this far.
these days, i can still merrily trip down the path of attempting to control and manage my life and at times appear to succeed in doing just that. most of the time, however, it is just easier to stop , breathe and listen to what i am being told by the POWER that fuels my recovery. that POWER does not send e-mails, txt messages or booming voices from the skies. no, that POWER shows me the next right thing, by providing me the opportunity to see what is happening all around me and what i can do interact sanely and civilly with the world in which i live. when i surrender to the fact that it is up to me to stop, look and listen, my life runs a whole lot smoother and i am much more content. that, in and of itself, should be enough to keep me from going down the path of attempting to control my life, but i forget that there are consequences for every action i take or fail to take. i have a template for living and when i step out from there, well let me just say that most of the time i regret what falls upon my head and shoulders.
one might wonder if someone such as myself, who has a very long minute clean, can and does fall into the trap of self-willing stuff, what hope is there for those who are just starting out on their recovery journey? 🤔 the hope lies in the fact, that i have been there, done that and survived to tell the tale and to remember the lesson i was taught, after all, even a consequence or three is a great teaching aid, for me on a daily basis. it is time to suit up and head out into the dawn to get some miles under my belt. the good news is that the pants that did not fit two weeks ago, once again fit yesterday. hopefully that means my set point is changing once again and i will get back down to my fighting weight. 🤪

∞ DT ∞