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autonomy with integrity, is a tricky idea for me, as i have always desired and demanded autonomy in all my affairs, but was clueless about what integrity was and why i might need to consider it, before acting in an autonomous manner. it took a very long minute for me to get to the point where i might consider what effect my actions had on those around me, and even longer to actually care enough to alter my behavior. i am far from the model of a recovering addict, and even when i had aspirations of becoming that, i know today, that was just a pipe-dream, not that much different from the delusions of grandeur i carried with me through active addiction. using a way over-used cliché i am finally becoming “right sized.” this morning as i sat and listened, what i got was an understanding that what i want to do, what i want to share, how i “joke” with my friends, peers and partners, may seem okay from my point of view, but just might be more than a touch hurtful from theirs' living with a bit of integrity means that i have to find the ways and means to be myself and not be hateful and hurtful to others, even if they fVcking deserve it. 😜
these days, i am working my butt off to keep my job after the new year. i am working to be stronger coder and certainly a faster one. the issue is not in my skill level, per se, but in my dedication to the proposition that i am getting paid to do a job and i need to put in the hours. i find far too many distractions and as the past week has demonstrated i can produce cleaner code, more quickly than i have been, it is just putting in the effort, instead of phoning it in, as i have been doing of late. counting on hitting the lottery is no different than the crazed notions i had when i was using and waking up to the fact that i still have a few more years to work, even though AI is gunning for my job, i need to be one of the sharper tools in the box, rather than coming along for the ride. today, i will be proactive in what i write and get my projects completed on time and under budget as the business paradigm seems to demand. i have a very sweet gig and it is time for me to be not only grateful for it, but work my butt off to keep it.
as i have run out of things to say, it is time to get dressed out and go for a little bit of a work-out. slowly trod through about a mile, just to keep loose and see what progress i may be making on rehabbing my injury.i may not be “all that,” but i am certainly worth more than nothing and how i treat myself, will reflect on how i treat those in the world around me. it is a good day to be clean, have a job and have the desire to limit the “negative” impact i have on the world around me.

∞ DT ∞