Blog entry for:

into a manageable state, sounds like a very noble goal, but one that feels unattainable.
ah the wonderment of it all, passive-aggressive, re-editing of the truth, people-pleasing, just to spout off a few of the ways i did and still can manipulate my way it what appears to be a better life. it is any wonder that when i first got clean, no one, not my family, who were also my employers, not the very few friends i had left, not my using bu8ddies, not my acquaintances and certainly no one in the rooms, found me trustworthy and told me how much they admired my depth of “surrender” to the program. all of the issues i had with surrender were mine and mine alone, most of them of semantic origin, but the very notion was reprehensible to me at what seemed to be the core of my soul. surrender was for the weak and feeble, and i was neither weak nor feeble. so when i share about surrender today, i focus on what i thought it was, and what i think it is now, leaving out most of the details in between. it seems a whole lot more palatable to more of those who may be struggling with the issue, than the unicorns and rainbows version. although, since surrendering to the program, i certainly see more unicorns, daisies and rainbows, even if i choose not to acknowledge them.
what is it about surrender that so encumbered me? well the one definition i hate, still to this day is “to give up.” i am still too stubborn and strong-willed to give up anything without a struggle. what works for me is the definition of “stop fighting.” i can stop fighting, because in my mind that sounds temporary, like declaring a truce. i need not give up anything, and i can always return to the fight at any time. just for today, i can cease fighting the fact that i am an addict, through and through, and that i may not see things the way everyone else does. when i set my goal on surrender just for today, i do not have to move into my manipulative shortcomings to make my life more manageable, it just is. sure i could be richer, younger or better looking, but if i look at what i REALLY have, peace of mind and the certainty that nothing is fVcked, i can live comfortably with what i have today. i have goals, dreams and aspirations and can work to achieve them, surrender does not mean that i just kick back and allow the winds of life to blow me where they will, but it does mean that i recognize that there is a hurricane and allow myself to hunker down and bend with that wind, rather than attempt to stand against it.
so what does that mean today? that i am clean because of the POWER that fuels my recovery.. that others who are struggling may not ask for help or my opinion. most importantly i have a structure in my life that allows me the freedom to be myself today and all i have to do it allow it to do its job. my job is to sample the weather, affect the change i can and leave the rest alone, so i can survive and fight another day.

∞ DT ∞