Blog entry for:

program my life, instead of living a program, is certainly part of my recovery experience, right up to this moment in time. i have the DESIRE to go back to what was before last March, when the world shifted and my social life got cut back to nearly nothing. the fact is, no matter how much DESIRE i have, IF i choose to engage in risky behaviors, i may suffer consequences far beyond the temporary pleasure such activities provide. attempting to program my life, i wonder just how far i can go and still be able to safely make my daily trip up the hill, to check-in with my aging parents. the rationalizations, justifications and mental gymnastics of “what if,” take over and the next thin g i notice is how much time has passed and how little i really have got done. worst of all, i have not move forward with my machinations not what i NEEDED to do in living a program of active recovery.
as i contemplate what has gone on, over the past seventy-two hours, i wonder where my life got so off the tracks. there really are no biggies, just a whole lot of little frustrations and my attempts at ameliorating them. what i “hear” is a whole lot of consequences for not accepting what is and surrendering to the flow of life. what i feel is the angst of not getting my way or having things turn out according to my plans. waiting for the paint to dry on the work task i have in front of me and considering how i have been feeling, i see the consequences of not surrendering to the fact that i cannot self-will my life into a manageable state. i can bury what i am feeling and what is happening under a pile of “if onlys” and faux acceptance, or i can stand up for what i believe and live by the principles of my program of recovery.
with all of that as a preface, what is my true will for this day? i need to chase some vermin out of the hole under my front porch, get the leaves mulched, check on getting part of my Christmas list done, get some hours away from my work computer, send an assignment off to a couple of the men that call me their sponsor, and make a meeting as it has been six days since i was at a meeting. IF i make these plans and do not plan the outcomes, perhaps i can be a bit less stressed and anxious. perhaps i can find the balance that i has been eluding my best efforts. the key here, at least as i see it right now is to to cease fighting and see where the world takes me. that notion is not unlike, swimming in a Class IV rapid, in that if i fight the current i will eventually tire and drown. on the other hand, if i let go and allow the current to take me where it will, i will be freed and be able to participate in my rescue, instead of having my limp body “recovered.” certainly an apt metaphor for this addict today.

∞ DT ∞