Blog entry for:

can be, at times, a troubling word for myself and of course many of my peers in recovery. like many, i tap-danced, obfuscated and generally tried to make this concept disappear under the carpet of semantics. what it came down to, for me anyhow, was to look it up in the dictionary and accept a definition that was the least heinous of the choices presented. it came down to this: “CEASE FIGHTING!”
simple, direct and lacking in the connotations of “giving up” or “declaring defeat.” with that in mind, i can now, for the first time this week, dive into a real blog post, instead of the minor little baby posts i have written over the past few days, maybe.
across the course of this week, i have had to be present for work starting at 6 AM. as a result of what was happening there, the disaster and the lessons of having to depend on someone else to fix the mess, has been one surrender after another, and is quite similar in feeling, as those very early days in my recovery journey.
i spent the first six months, after coming to the rooms, doing my best to “game” the system, manipulating my way into getting the world around me, to believe i was “in” recovery. even after that did not work, i hardly stopped trying to prove i was different. for the next thirteen months i was a cross-fellowshipper, because after all, “a 12 STEP program is a 12 STEP program, so where i went to meetings did not really matter, they were all the same.” that almost got me loaded, but was symptomatic of my resistance and my war with recovery, at least for me. for the sick fVckers in the room, boy did they need it! it was still another six months before i finally knuckled under, and at the suggestion of my sponsor, choose s definition that i could live with, just for today and voilà, here i am.
if i was working off the parrot pattern, i would now say, that surrender is part of my life and i am wonderfully and deliriously happy that i finally surrender and that i continue to do so, day in and day out. well, i am more like a bassoon than i violin in the orchestra of recovery voices. i rarely play the main melody, or provide quiet harmony. most of the music i play is a counter-melody, low, and rarely totally repeated by the strings and other wind instruments. where that leaves me is at an accommodation with my definition of surrender. i surrender to addiction and accept i need a POWER to fuel my recovery. i surrender to the fact that i am not all that different than my peers, and i need their input to walk as if i am one off those other 85%. i do not however, surrender my whole will and life into the care of that POWER, until i absolutely have to, and that is where i get into trouble. self-will, is still part and parcel of my daily experience and although i am better, i am far from cured. i do not surrender to the the disease concept or that addiction is an alien being or a split personality, that has evil and malicious intent. nor do i surrender to the notion that addiction is trying to kill me. no what i see, is that i was trying to kill me, and that if i use, i will certainly start that process all over again. i do not surrender to the idea that i am a defective character or that i am totally without any power in my life, but i surrender to the fact that this program, is what is giving me the daily chance to live my life,m progress towards being a better person, and lessening the damage i do on a daily basis, and that is more than enough for me.

∞ DT ∞