ฮผ scheming is my way of denying my powerlessness. as long as i can distract myself ฮผ
Posted: Thu, Oct 23, 2008 08:26:42 AM
... with my plans, i can put off accepting that i am out of control. so yes, i changed the tense when i lifted the quote, because as my sponsor often reminds me, if i am actively practicing a behavior, it is hardly **old**.
be that as it may, this reading opened up a new train of thought for me, based on the current events inside my head and my heart. i woke up this morning with a feeling of dread over attending an event tomorrow, i know this is s just for today program, because i have to face the person who set me free in a very public manner, and i am afraid of how i will act and react. so of course, the first thing i start to do, is to make my plans on how i will **handle** this person and manipulate our **chance** encounter so i can come out looking like a **good guy** and everyone else will see her for who she is. my plan is quite nice and spiritual and without a doubt, a project that i would have seriously undertaken even a few days ago. then i sat down and read the entry for this morning, closed my eyes, and listened to what i could hear when i shut off the eternal, infernal, internal conversation that runs between my ears. what did i hear? well for one, i heard it was time to set aside that sort of behavior, i am better than that. i also heard that i can be myself, secure in my knowledge of who i am and where i fit in the world around me, in my fellowship, and in my circle of friends, peers, acquaintances and members of my sponsorship family. where anyone else fits in that world is totally irrelevant. i can either continue to be a thrall to letting others have power over me, as has been the case my entire life, or i can surrender all of that power into the care of THE POWER THAT IS THE SOURCE OF MY RECOVERY. that choice is mine and mine alone, and the portal to serenity passes through my surrender.
so what will happen tomorrow, will happen, maybe i will be healthy enough to play nice and realize how irrelevant a particular person is to me and my recovery or perhaps i will choose to backslide and lash out, it is up to me where the power resides.
so with that thought in my mind, it is time for me to surrender to the fact that i NEED to get off my ass and work out, after all, i am choosing to live today, and i no longer am living by default. it is my choice to extend the quality of my life, and a bit of exercise will keep from becoming a person i never want to be. it is after all, another GOOD day to recover.
be that as it may, this reading opened up a new train of thought for me, based on the current events inside my head and my heart. i woke up this morning with a feeling of dread over attending an event tomorrow, i know this is s just for today program, because i have to face the person who set me free in a very public manner, and i am afraid of how i will act and react. so of course, the first thing i start to do, is to make my plans on how i will **handle** this person and manipulate our **chance** encounter so i can come out looking like a **good guy** and everyone else will see her for who she is. my plan is quite nice and spiritual and without a doubt, a project that i would have seriously undertaken even a few days ago. then i sat down and read the entry for this morning, closed my eyes, and listened to what i could hear when i shut off the eternal, infernal, internal conversation that runs between my ears. what did i hear? well for one, i heard it was time to set aside that sort of behavior, i am better than that. i also heard that i can be myself, secure in my knowledge of who i am and where i fit in the world around me, in my fellowship, and in my circle of friends, peers, acquaintances and members of my sponsorship family. where anyone else fits in that world is totally irrelevant. i can either continue to be a thrall to letting others have power over me, as has been the case my entire life, or i can surrender all of that power into the care of THE POWER THAT IS THE SOURCE OF MY RECOVERY. that choice is mine and mine alone, and the portal to serenity passes through my surrender.
so what will happen tomorrow, will happen, maybe i will be healthy enough to play nice and realize how irrelevant a particular person is to me and my recovery or perhaps i will choose to backslide and lash out, it is up to me where the power resides.
so with that thought in my mind, it is time for me to surrender to the fact that i NEED to get off my ass and work out, after all, i am choosing to live today, and i no longer am living by default. it is my choice to extend the quality of my life, and a bit of exercise will keep from becoming a person i never want to be. it is after all, another GOOD day to recover.
∞ DT ∞