Blog entry for:

every scheme imaginable to bring my world under control. power and control, two of the major themes in my morning musings. i want power and i want to bring some modicum of control and manageability to my life. over and over and over again, i come back too this exact same point, and for me the answer is always the same -- return to the admission at the core of STEP ONE and move along.
this morning is no different. i am doing so badly at fantasy football, that i am willing to do almost anything to secure a win. the players i thought were going to be stars are becoming duds, and those i overlooked are starting to shine, that however, is what it is. this morning there are much bigger fish to fry, to fracture a very mixed metaphor.
one of the guys i once sponsored may or may not have 2 years clean today. i texted him , told him who i was, and received nothing back. i have not heard from him since June, and as he was working on the road, i suspect that maybe… another of the men i once sponsored has been set free, moved back to town and is living with an addict that i know has been using off and on, since they decided to go out nine or ten months ago. he has yet to get in touch and perhaps that too is what it is supposed to be, and it is not up to me to try and drag him by the short hairs back into recovery. finally, another in and out sponsee is trying to set up some time to sit down and talk with me. it appears, however, it needs to be on his terms and not on mine, but that too, is probably a spin i am putting on the situation to protect myself from feeling bad about not saying how high, when he asked me to jump, as i once did in the past.
the chaos in my life? leaving one job and starting another, a new car and helping my family save their business. the world spins on and on, and some of it feels unacceptable to me and i want to take control and manipulate it into a form that is acceptable, exerting every iota of personal power i have. than recovery kicks in. i return to the basic premise, i am an addict. i am powerless over addiction, and my life in and of itself is unmanageable. the only HOPE i have is to stop, listen for guidance from the POWER that fuels my recovery and surrender all of my will and my life into the care of that POWER. the world may not become any more acceptable, but i will be better able to accept it. all that chaos? well it will resolve as it will and i will be okay for another day in recovery. it is time, however, to get rolling on out to. it is after all, just another day and any day clean for me, is a day won.

∞ DT ∞