Some memes

with my plans, in order to defer taking responsibility for my life. i see that behavior as my spiritual equivalent for **jazz hands,** waving off what is really happening to set the focus on what i think i can manage. today as i start my annual nicotine fast, i am especially aware that i want to distract myself from just having to smoke that $3000 cigar. having to surrender to the fact that i not only find the activity of smoking a cigar calming and a commitment to a social situation, i also have to own that nicotine is one of the substances that has its hooks in me. i KNOW that as a fact and yet, just as i did when i was using, i want to ignore that fact and tell myself it is the calming part that keeps me smoking. the way i distract myself from the reality is that after i take the test in late November, i will be free to resume an activity that i enjoy, even though i will be freed from that hook. where the f*ck have i heard that refrain before? it is exactly the same “plan” i had after i got busted on another “test” at the dawn of my clean time.
learning how to live in the here and now and not distract myself from the facts of life, such as they are, is certainly a HUGE part of ceasing to fight. yes, i use my favorite definition of surrender, the one that fits and chafes the least. the one thing i have learned from my peers in recovery, is that no matter how i try to slice, dice or julienne it, i cannot recover without surrender. today, surrendering to the fact that i like money and i like smoking, creates a dilemma for me, which do i like more? today, it is money, but this is the easy day, it is three or four days down the line, when the going gets tough, will i allow my peers to give me their experience strength and hope, or will i just pout, shout and fume about the injustice of it all. time will certainly tell and just for today, i am okay surrendering what i do not need to the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, including the plans i am using to distract myself.

∞ DT ∞